Cycle 6 : Days 2 - 7

On Saturday, day three, I decided that chemo and childbirth are similar: both are bearable if you remain focused; at some point you need the care of others; and with your “eyes wide open” you willingly experience the discomfort and pain again.

I am very happy and thankful to report that prayers were answered and I was spared the intense headache! Most of Friday was ok; toward the end of the day I began to feel the flu like symptoms coming on. Saturday was the toughest day; Sunday was easier; and Monday was much better. I still have periodic pings, pangs, and aches in my lower legs and feet but it is less today than yesterday.

I did not experience nausea and I have not had any food cravings. I kind of miss the food cravings – it was something fun to laugh about.

Sometimes Taxol can cause numbness and tingling in the hands and feet; most of the time this goes away when treatment is finished. The tips of the first two fingers of my right hand as well as the thumb have been slightly tingly and numb for several days. It is not painful, debilitating, nor irritating so I will not complain.

I am in that in-between stage of mentally feeling like myself again but physically not quite at the same spot. This is a time when I really have to work at being patient. What I definitely do not like about Taxol is that by the time I feel good isolation has started.

I will write more in a few days; thank you for checking up on me.

PS After I wrote this post I went on to reply to an email from my friend Gene. I found myself writing some "truth" in the email and decided that I needed to come back and share this with you also.

I don't tell anyone, other than God, the total stinky truth about the mental and physical effects of chemo. Donna has gone through everything I am going through - if you have read comments from her on the blog you have probably already figured this out; Margie is a friend who is also a survivor and although she did not need to have chemo or radiation she has experienced a lot of what I have gone through and by continuing to attend a survivor's support group she is very savvy of the journey; and my brother Holland has a customer that has just recently completed chemo. Each of these individuals has told me what I needed to know when I needed to know it; there is something to be said about timing. Perhaps I am trying to protect you - just in case you someday find yourself in this spot although I pray that you will not. I would rather you have received an encouraging experience from my blog - you will have enough stress at that time without thoughts from my blog contributing.

I do know that I am also trying to protect myself - in order for me to remain focused and continue to believe that the glass is at least half full I must not focus on the negative.

With all that being said, I must admit that sometimes a burden that is shared becomes lighter. So here is the paragraph that I wrote to Gene, "I really want to say that I am ready for this ride to be done. I want my hair back. I want the lymphatic fluid in my arm to drain properly all the time so that the discomfort goes away. I do not want to be in isolation. I want the pings and pangs in my legs to go away. I want all of my energy back - NOW!"

So there...that is the truth about what I was feeling when I first wrote this post. I don't feel that way right now, in fact I feel so much better!

Another friend Randy H. reminded me a while back of a time when Elijah was very alone and afraid. God sent an angel to care for Elijah twice and then he himself spoke to Elijah. Randy's encouragement to me was to remember that God did not speak to Elijah in the great wind, or the earthquake, nor did he speak in the fire. Instead, God spoke to Elijah in the gentle blowing of the wind (I Kings 19).

After reading this post script I do not want you to worry about me. I know that I am not alone and I know that this moment of distress is temporary; not because it could be one of my three wishes to a mythical genie in a bottle but because of the very real promises God has made and the blessings he sends to care for me.

Thanks for listening to some of the hard stuff and be sure to take away with you all the good stuff you may have received from this post. And, make sure that if you think I am handling this so well or that I am some kind of a special person that instead you give the glory to God. He is the reason I am who I am - if it were not for my study of his word and my determination to live in a way that glorifies him I would be a different person and most certainly handling this time of my life very differently.