What's New and My Thoughts

Guest Post

2012-01-08T20:09:00.000-08:00

Recently I was contacted by David Haas and asked if I would consider a guest post; David is a Family Hospitality Coordinator at Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. His article is on a topic that I have not written about - the importance of physical activity during and following treatment.

Hopefully David's article will inspire us to find an activity - we don't have to work out at the gym or run a marathon, it might be that Yoga or Tai Chi is better suitable for some of us. My thanks to David for sharing this information and for the important work that he does.

Fitness to Assist in Going through Cancer

Dealing with cancer is always extremely difficult. Often, there are too many questions and not enough answers. No matter what stage a person is in, cancer is obviously extremely difficult to deal with, and finding ways to both cope with a cancer diagnosis or cancer treatment, and finding ways to aid in treatment and improving success rates is often on the forefront of everyone's minds. It is becoming more and more common to hear doctors and cancer experts discuss the added benefits of staying active while going through a cancer diagnosis, treatment, or even while in remission.Obviously, having a physically active lifestyle is generally accepted as an extremely important component in maintaining a healthy lifestyle, no matter what a person's overall health is. Taking part in fitness activities provides the same benefits to cancer patients as it does to those who haven't been diagnosed with cancer, and the largest benefit is an improved quality of life. Staying active is extremely important when going through cancer treatment, as it can lead to increased energy levels and can help prevent too much weight gain. It is easy to lead a more sedentary lifestyle while going through cancer treatment, but staying active can help patients stay in shape and enjoy their lives more. Cancer patients suffering from mesothelioma, lung cancer, or any other different types of cancer can enjoy similar benefits from added fitness.There are no definitive guidelines that suggest fitness has a direct impact on cancer survivor rates, and a great deal of further research must be done in order to better understand just how fitness and exercise relates to cancer treatment. However, many mesothelioma doctors and doctors of almost any other kind of cancer are encouraging additional exercise to patients. There has been more and more discussion on exercise and fitness being incorporated as part of treatment plans and routines. One panel recently has begun to spread the word that taking part in exercise is extremely important for cancer patients. This panel wants further research to be done, and wants doctors to begin discussing exercise and fitness options with their patients further, as it isn't enough to just briefly mention fitness as an option. Instead, doctors need to discuss options in depth and decide the best possible routine for each patient. By continuing an active lifestyle through a cancer diagnosis, treatment, or remission, a person can enjoy a better overall life.

I'm Still Here!

2011-12-28T19:15:00.000-08:00

It's been more than one year since I have written a post so the best place to start is to say that I'M STILL HERE and I'M STILL HEALTHY. Hip-Hip-Hooray! I expect/hope to receive confirmation of the "still healthy" when I see Dr. Patel next month and receive results of the PET and CT scans I had just before Christmas.

The treatment schedule remains the same - every three weeks an infusion of the trial drug and Herceptin. I have been told that some results of the research were presented at a conference this Fall and the results are promising. I have also been told that as of April 2012 I will no longer be required to have the CT scan every nine weeks.

I'm not sure what happens when a research drug is approved. I'm not sure if those receiving the drug in the research project continue to receive it until the drug is marketed for all or if we stop receiving the drug in its research formula until it is available for all. When I first thought of these questions I felt a little scared but I've had some time to think about it and I've decided to not worry. As of right now there is nothing I can do to change the outcome so I will wait to see what happens and if I need to be scared I will deal with it then.

So, on with the update. I am now working 7.5 to 8 hours a day and I'm tired at night but able to keep up with this schedule. It certainly has taken longer this time to return to my former lifestyle. I do have a few other side effects but what I miss the most is my energy.

It's an interesting endeavor to move from living with cancer and treatment to living the life of recovery. In the midst of the battle the focus is so very much on arming yourself with all the weapons needed to win. Every waking moment is spent using all the weapons to give the best advantage. And then you win the battle ... you move into recovery and on to integrating all the lessons learned ... weaving them in with what your life was and creating a new life.

Sometimes I am more successful with this weaving and sometimes I've got to unravel what I've got and start back again. And that's life ... we learn, we grow, we forget, and then get back on track again.

I don't want to forget the lessons that cancer has taught me. I don't want to take any day of my life for granted. I don't want to forget to be grateful or to forget my blessings. I don't want to forget to take care of myself. Sometimes I do forget but I'm fortunate to have some lingering side effects so I don't forget for more than a few hours. There you go ... I'm counting my blessings again. I choose to count my few stinky side effects as blessings, they are a constant reminder of what I've gone through and the lessons I have learned.

As I am writing this post I am reminded of the following:

James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Oh how I hate trials when I am in the midst of them ... all trials except for cancer. It is through cancer that I have learned my greatest lessons. And even though cancer is yucky I am grateful for this life changing experience.

I hope this update has been a gentle nudge to count your blessings today if you have not already. Until next time, may each of us live every day with gratitude for our blessings.

Round Two: August 2010

2010-08-17T21:58:00.000-07:00

Well it seems as though I have almost abandoned this blog. For anyone who feels that I have left them hanging ... I'm sorry. I've been busy living .. that's my excuse and as far as excuses go I think it's a pretty good one.

The most important news to share is that CT and PET scans of last week show that I am still in remission. I am so very blessed - King David's words come to mind "... my cup runneth over ..." (Psalm 23:5 - by the way Psalm 23 just happens to be the first memory verse I can remember learning).

My treatment schedule is still every three weeks for both Herceptin and the study drug. I have completed the one year study commitment but am pleased that I am able to continue receiving the drug for as long as it continues to work for me - I am now considered a part of the long-term study. Every nine weeks I have a CT scan, an Echo and an EKG - each of these are required for the study. And every week I have a B-12 injection which helps me to feel better and boosts my energy a bit. Recently my potassium level fell below normal and so I take potassium twice a day.

I'm working five hours a day - I thought I was ready to increase to six hours but after a short trial last week I discovered that five hours is just right for now. For a couple of days last week I worked a little longer and then felt awful so my little test run proved that I really was not ready. I do feel good but sometimes the fatigue does sneak up on me.

I hope this finds each of you well and more importantly that you are living each day full of love for yourself and others in your life and remembering to count your many blessings.

Round Two: Post Chemo 3-10

2010-03-02T05:50:00.000-08:00

Last week was the third post-chemo biologic treatment, everything went as expected and there were no problems. The only recent tests were the tumor markers and those are staying steady. Next week I am scheduled for a brain MRI just to make sure the cancer did not travel and in April I will have a CT and PET scan.

Recently I discovered that the chemo nurse I have most often, Liz, happens to be one of my daughter's best girlfriends from Junior High. Liz is an excellent nurse and I've always been comfortable with her care but I will admit to a brief moment of feeling old. Then I remembered, "old" is good for me; 52 is great and 53 will be even better, and being "old" enough to have an experienced and capable nurse who also happens to be my daughter's school buddy is good also.

Working twenty hours a week is working out very well. I work 8 to Noon then come home for lunch and a nap. I am seeing another doctor to work on rebuilding my body and I continue to receive a B-12 injection every other week. All of this is working together and my energy is increasing. I hope by the next treatment to have my work hours moved to 25 or 30 per week.

The very best is that I can see my grandchildren at any time and we even had a sleep-over recently. Randy and I met my brother and sister-in-law in Las Vegas for a short weekend, it was wonderful to be with them. And, Madison's soccer team made in into two tournaments so after missing the entire regular season I was able to be at the two tournaments. I love having my energy and immune system back and I am so very grateful for your support and prayers.

Round Two: Post Chemo 2.10

2010-02-09T20:07:00.000-08:00

I have good news for this report. First of all I have returned to work four hours a day, Monday through Friday. And secondly, I'm still cancer free as of tests on February 1st.

The CT scan indicates no change in the size of the tumors in the liver - the tumors still look like cysts and furthermore, the CT scan does not show new tumors.

The circulating tumor markers have dropped to zero; the CEA remains at zero; and the CA 15-3 remains at 27 which is well within the normal range. I think it is great that the circulating tumor markers have dropped several weeks after the last chemo - it seems to me to be an indication that the biologic drugs are doing their job.

Echo and EKG results are good and indicate no damage to the heart muscle.

I know that I am blessed and I pray that I don't take this blessing for granted.

Round Two: Post Chemo

2010-01-13T21:29:00.000-08:00

There is such a difference in how I feel that it seems as though far more than three weeks has passed since the last post.

A few days after Christmas I did catch a cold/virus that turned ugly but fortunately an antibiotic had me back to normal within a few days. My energy began to build once I recovered and although I am not 100 percent I do feel wonderful. Sometimes I overdue it and then need to crash but it is worth it!

Today was the second post chemo biologic treatment and everything went well. I also saw Dr. Patel, it was good to hear him say that everything is going exactly how he wants. Reluctantly he agreed to release me to return to work on February 1st for four hours a day. He said that he would re-evaluate my status after a minimum of thirty days.

I'm looking forward to working again and I am sure I can handle the half day schedule. I also enjoy being at home but I need to work for the insurance and I feel blessed to feel as good as I do so that I can return sooner rather than later.

Here is a physical update:

>Fingertips and toes are still numb and sensitive but it does seem a little better and my feet definitely do not get as cold now;

>Leg muscles are much stronger;

>Eye twitches are completely gone but I have had four styes in the left eye - two on the inside lower lid and two on the rim of the lower lid. Dr. Patel is referring me to Dr. Senning CBCC's infectious disease doctor for a check up;

>Eyelashes and eyebrows are s-l-o-w-l-y filling back in and rats, the unwanted facial hair is growing back in too;

>The hair on my head is filling in quite nicely and I have a very short hairdo now. Randy and April say that the brown is darker than it was, they and others have said that the light color is a mixture of gray and blond;

>I've gained most of my weight back and I'm glad because I look less sick.

Last weekend was wonderful because I was able to attend four of the five soccer tournament games Madison played in. I did catnap in between her afternoon games and I was very tired on Monday but I am so happy to have been able to attend the games.

My life has been spared again and I am so very grateful to have this time with my family and friends- especially to be a part of my grand children's lives for a longer period of time. I am very mindful of the blessing I continue to receive - every day that I wake up is a blessing.

Round Two: Infusion #11

2009-12-23T20:38:00.000-08:00

The past three weeks have quickly gone by and tomorrow is the first infusion of the biologic drugs without chemo. It is wonderful to know that my strength and energy will stay with me this time and that everyday I will continue to grow a little bit stronger.

I have a love-hate relationship with chemo; I love that it kills the cancer cells and of course I hate the side effects. If the side effects were short term it would be easier but instead they drag on and on and then rats - I finally would feel better only for it to be time for chemo again. I am so very grateful that the chemo portion of the treatment has been completed - I am SO VERY GRATEFUL.

I only needed two Lukine injections and that was last week. This week the white and red blood cells were at the lowest point of being normal, the platelets were low but not too bad. I did have a B-12 injection last week and this week I had what will probably be the last one. It does seem a little strange to not be at CBCC so much.

Each day seems to go by quickly and the two greatest daily accomplishments are taking a long nap and doing the dishes. Anything else that I accomplish is as they say, icing on the cake. And, I'm pleased to tell you that the cake has been iced a few times lately. We finally have all of the Christmas gifts purchased and wrapped. I did quite a bit of on-line shopping and between Randy and April the majority of the gifts were purchased. Yesterday I did have lunch with a friend and then I stopped at the mall on the way home. I was at the mall for less than an hour and then the exhaustion caught up with me but I was happy that I was able to accomplish what I did.

Today, well today I've been really tired which is both irritating and okay. It is irritating because my body still can't keep up with my mind - and at the same time it is okay because that's the only healthy way to handle this situation. It could be worse and now is not the time to forget my blessings and to be ungrateful. Each day is a blessing and sometimes I have cake with icing and sometimes I don't. Years ago my sister-in-law Nancy shared with me a chocolate cake recipe called Goofy Cake - it's goofy because there is no icing but the cake is so moist and yummy that icing is not needed. Some days my life is like the Goofy Cake and that's good enough.

I wish each of you a Merry Christmas. May 2010 be filled with lots of cake and icing and just the right amount of Goofy Cake to keep all of us humble and grateful for the days we are blessed with cake and icing.

Round Two: Infusion #10

2009-12-09T20:31:00.000-08:00

Woohoo the test results were good again and I get to stop chemotherapy! Now I go on a maintenance program which for me is the two biologic drugs every three weeks. Tumor marker tests will be run every three weeks and I will have a CT scan, EKG and Echo every nine weeks.

I was told that my progress has been remarkable and that comparing the scans from last week with the scans from April and May are like looking at the scans from two different people.

Our prayers have been answered, God has abundantly blessed me with everything needed to take down cancer once again. And once again, I am richer because of the experience.

What a LONG HAUL!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and I don't care that I used too many exclamation points!!!!!!!)

All of the weeds are gone (cancer) and now I just need the weed killer (biologic drugs) to keep the weeds from coming back ... that and lots of prayer.

Thanks for checking in on me and for your support throughout this whole process. I recently read an interesting article about biologic drugs, I will write a post about it in a few days.

Round Two: Infusion #10

2009-12-04T11:22:00.000-08:00

At the time of my last post I was scheduled to have tests and receive the results the day before Thanksgiving. In order to stay on schedule with the clinical trial the tests were moved to this week. On Monday I had a PET scan, EKG and Echo; on Tuesday I had an MRI of the abdomen and liver; on Wednesday I had a CT scan; and yesterday I had the tenth and hopefully final chemo treatment - it's been a full week. I will receive the test results on Wednesday the 9th and of course I am hopeful that I have had the last chemo treatment.

I did enjoy less fatigue with the reduced dose of taxotere and in fact I only needed two Lukine injections following the ninth treatment. It was encouraging to have some energy and feel more like myself again.

The steriod high started last night and I am operating on very little sleep but I have accomplished a few tasks, am very alert and am starving! Love the steroid high days.

So physically here is how I am:

>My hair is growing and is filling in quite nicely; it is almost one inch in length. I think the color will be the same brown mixed with gray and if I am lucky I will still have a few auburn highlights. I actually have some strands of hair that are gray with brown tips - it's interesting. It is also interesting that I lost all of my eyebrows after the hair on my head began to grow back. I do have new eyebrow hair but it is short and has not completely filled in. I did begin to lose small sections of eyelashes but fortunately that seems to have stopped.

>Some of my fingernails are growing funny; they are wider at the end of the nail and are turning under however none of the nails have turned black and for that I am grateful.

>The neuropathy has not grown much, it covers about one-third of my feet and travels up about halfway on my fingers. It is tingly and my feet are freezing sometimes but not painful, the most irritating is the loss of some feeling and strength in my fingertips. Some tasks are more difficult such as buttons and opening a sealed box or bag.

>For many weeks I had eye twitches, in fact my left eye twitched more than it did not twitch. At first it drove me crazy but then it became so familar that I only noticed when the eye was not twitching. I was told that one other lady in the clinical trial also reported constant eye twitching. The twitching is considerably less since the chemo dose was reduced so it is hard to say if the twitches are a side effect of taxotere or a combination of the trial drug and taxotere.

>The muscle weakness in my arms and legs are also less since the dose of taxotere was reduced and I am very grateful.

>My weight is staying steady at 114 and my appetite is better which I believe is the result of less fatigue.

The worst appears to have been with the first five treatments and as the cancer has been eliminated and the tumors reduced I truly am getting healthier and I feel more like myself.

I am sticking to a strict isolation routine, I don't want to take a chance of catching a virus or the flu until I have completed chemo and my immune system has returned to normal. The side effects are bad enough without adding an illness to the challenge.

I am a patient person most of the time, Round Two was far longer and difficult than I expected or wanted and so I have had to learn to be even more patient. I am a physically strong person, with Round Two I discovered that I could not count on my physical strength and instead I had to learn to allow others to care for me.

There are lessons to learn during troubled times and many blessings to be received. I know that I am a better person for learning these lessons and richer for receiving the blessings. I may not have all of my "wants" but I do have all of my needs and I am very grateful for all of my blessings.

Thanks for checking in on me. I will write a post next week with the test results.

Round Two: Infusion #9

2009-11-13T19:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the ninth treatment and I did receive a reduced dose of the chemo drug, I am hopeful that my body will be stronger with a reduced dose. Today I have had the wonderful steroid high - I was wide awake at 3 this morning with flushed cheeks and lots of energy. I had a short nap this afternoon but it is evening now and the flush is disappearing and the steroid high is beginning to wear off.

I thought for this post I would share with you the details of one treatment - the procedures, drugs and financial cost.

When I am called back to the chemo room I am weighed and then told who my oncology nurse is for the day. The chemo room is very nice and rather than being one large room it has one large area and then a few smaller areas. It has one wall of windows and large comfortable recliners line the walls; you select your chair in the area where your nurse is stationed. There are a couple of large fish tanks and a separate room with a refrigerator, microwave, vending machines, a table and chairs. By each recliner there is an IV stand and throughout the room are carts with supplies. There are three or four bathrooms in the room and a few more in the hallways outside - it's important to have bathrooms close by because of the amount of fluid we receive as well as the amount of water we drink during treatment.

I select a chair within my assigned area that is the farthest from a vent because it gets cold in there. Once the medical assistant takes the vitals she brings a blanket from the warming oven and I get settled in with a pillow and the blanket. Randy pulls up a chair beside me and helps to unpack my bag: book, glasses, water bottle, ipod, etc; the recliners have a pop-up arm table on each side.

The oncology nurse brings the supply cart and then prepares to access my port: first is swabbed with betadine twice and then the betadine is removed with clean swabs; then a freeze spray is applied, I take a deep breath and the needle is popped in. The needle has tubing attached with a connection point and clamp. The port is flushed with saline and the first tube of blood is drawn and then "wasted" because the port line has saline the blood is diluted and thus not good for testing. Since I am in a clinical trial I have several tubes of blood drawn ... about six or eight tubes. I'm not sure if the lab at CBCC runs all the tests or if some of the tubes of blood are shipped off to the researchers to perform their own tests but I do know that CBCC runs the tumor marker test which takes several days and performs a quick test to check the level of red and white blood cells to insure I can receive chemotherapy.

Once the lab report is received and the nurse verifies the blood cell levels are adequate she attaches the IV bag of normal saline solution and then connects the bags of pre-meds which are two steroids and two anti-nausea drugs: methylprednisolone sodium, dolasetron mesylate, dexamethasone sodium, and tagament; the cost of the IV bag and the pre-meds is a little more than $600. I think it takes about 30 minutes to receive the pre-meds but I'm not too sure because the anti-nausea drugs make me sleepy and I often drift off to sleep.

Once I've received all of pre-meds the nurse requests from the pharmacy the clinical trial drug Pertuzumb (per-tuz-umb), by the way if I have not told you before the name of the clinical trial I am in is the Cleopatra Trial. If I remember correctly it takes one hour for this drug infusion and when it is completed vitals are taken. There is no charge for the drug since it is still a trial drug.

Then over a 30 minute period I receive Herceptin (Trastuzumab). Herceptin is the biologic drug which deals with the HER 2 issue, since my cancer returned I will receive this drug every three weeks for the rest of my life. The cost of the drug is $4,257.

The third and final drug is Taxotere (Docetaxel) - the chemo drug; it takes one hour for this infusion. The cost of the drug is $4,752.

The final procedure is to flush the port with saline and Heparin to prevent blood clots. Depending upon how long it takes the lab to run the blood test, our time at CBCC is about five hours. The total cost is $12,143 - the difference between the costs I have listed and the total cost are charges for needles, syringes, tape, wipes, micro filter, positive pressure cap, IV pole rental, hourly charge for the chemo room, IV tubes, Heparin, chemo waste charge, and etc.

I began receiving care from CBCC in November 2007 and until May 2009 the care was monthly port flushes and lab tests, and scans and check up every three months. The total cost from Nov. 07 through October 1, 2009 has been $220,128. A port flush is $194 and the monthly lab is $372. Scans are several thousands: a CT is about $4,000 and the PET is about $5,000. A Procrit injection (to promote red blood cell production) is $1,160 and a Lukine injection (to promote white blood cell production) is $780.

I am so very blessed to have an excellent insurance company with minimal co-pay; cancer is scary enough without having to worry if you can afford treatment you need.

Round Two: Infusion #8

2009-11-12T07:22:00.000-08:00

This morning I am scheduled to receive the ninth treatment at 8:00 AM, since I am ready a couple of minutes early I thought I would write a brief update about the eighth treatment.

I did begin receiving Lukine injections on November 1st - five injections over nine days. All in all the past three weeks have been very tolerable - I dislike the fatigue but it is better than it was.

I am ready for today!

Round Two: Infusion #8

2009-11-01T18:33:00.000-08:00

I cooked again today and it is wonderful to be able to do something that I love so much! Tomorrow I have a check up and if I were to take a guess I would guess that the white blood cells are not too bad and ... crossing my fingers and toes ... maybe I will not need Lukine injections. I've been wrong about this before but I'm not wrong about how much better I am feeling!

The Best Chicken Ever and the Best Ever Cast Iron Casserole Dish it was Cooked in:

1 Whole Chicken
1 Cube of Butter - Softned
Fresh Thyme
Fresh Oregano
Fresh Italian Parsley
Minced Garlic
Kosher Salt and Pepper
1 Lemon
1 Onion
Olive Oil
2 - 4 slices of day old bread or a rack for the chicken to sit on while baking
Red Potatoes and Carrots

With a paper towel pat the chicken dry inside and out. Cut the lemon and onion into quarters and stuff them inside the chicken.

In a bowl add the softned the butter, the seasonings and the herbs; with a fork smush it all together to make a nice paste.

Separate the skin from the breast of the chicken carefully so as to not tear the skin; separate as far as you can. Push all of the butter mixture into the opening you have made. Rub the outside of the chicken with olive oil and then place the chicken on a baking rack or place the bread in the bottom of the casserole dish and set the chicken on the bread.

Surround the chicken with red potatoes and carrots. Cover and bake in a 400 degree oven about 1 hour and 15 minutes then bake uncovered another 15 minutes - until the temp is 165. Let stand 10 minutes before carving.

Here's a picture ... after Randy and I had dinner.

Round Two: Infusion #8

2009-10-31T19:34:00.000-07:00

Woo hoo ... I cooked dinner tonight! It is the first time in months that I have cooked anything other than scrambled eggs. I made stew which meant that I could sit on a bar stool for most of the preparation. The best stew ever must have Emeril's Original Seasoning - paprika, garlic and onion powder, salt and pepper, thyme, oregano and a pinch of caynne pepper. Mix the seasonings with flour in a Ziploc bag - add bite sized cuts of roast beef and shake, shake, shake. In a stove top/oven proof casserole, brown the meat in oil and add all of the vegetables: carrots, celery, onion, red potato, and sweet potato. Add beef broth almost to the top, cover and place in a 300 degree oven for a couple of hours. Those luscious brown bits in the bottom of the casserole will have mixed with the broth and you will have a wonderful gravy - be sure to serve some great bread or rolls to sop up the gravy. Have your grandchildren over for dinner and it's a perfect meal! I will admit that I'm very tired but it was well worth it!

Round Two: Infusion #8

2009-10-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

I am very blessed and fortunate that treatments 6, 7 and 8 have been easier; with each of these treatments I have not had to have Lukine injections until the second week following treatment and the fatigue has been better. Treatments 6 and 7 only required 4 injections; I did require a Procrit injection a few days prior to the eighth treatment but that was only because the hemoglobin level was raised from 10 to 10.5 and mine was at 10.

With less fatigue I feel more like myself and I am now able to do some things around the house like unloading and then loading the dishwasher. My appetite has increased and I now weigh 114. It is wonderful to feel more like myself.

The tumor markers have not changed but I am not worried since two tests are at zero and one and the third test is well within the normal range. I would prefer that all three tests be at zero but that may not happen and considering what the numbers were to begin with I've decided to be happy with what they are.

I did find out that I am scheduled for ten treatments and that I have been receiving a 75 percent dose of the chemo drug Taxotere; treatments 9 and 10 are scheduled for a 60 percent dose. I have asked that Dr. Patel be informed that I am willing to continue at the same dose if it is in my best interest. Veronica is one of the clinical trial staff and she said that she would discuss it with him but she also explained that my platelets had been very low so it might be in my best interest to have the reduced dose.

The 9Th treatment is scheduled for November 12Th; I will have a PET and CT scan, an MRI and an Echo test on the 18Th and 19Th; the 10Th, and hopefully final, treatment is scheduled for December 3rd. I am scheduled to see Dr. Patel on November 25Th and of course I am very hopeful that he will tell me that the tumors can no longer be seen and that there is no presence of cancer in my body.

This has been a very long journey and at times it has seemed unbearably long and difficult. Just when I thought I could no longer be strong the fatigue became easier - what a blessing the last few weeks have been.

I decided during Round One that if I wrote a book it would be titled, When the Rubber Meets the Road; if I were to write a book about Round Two the title would be, In His Time. Round One was a test of my faith. Round Two has been a test of my patience which is also a test of faith. I can now relate on some level to the Israelites who cried out to God asking him how long (how much longer would they have to bear their burdens). The answer for me has been to stay focused on what I have which is today - tomorrow has not arrived and so it is not mine to wonder or worry about.

I can handle today.

Round Two: Infusion #7

2009-10-03T09:30:00.000-07:00

Well another cycle has been completed and cycle number seven has started; I received the seventh treatment on October 1st. The sixth cycle was much easier requiring only four Lukine injections spaced throughout the 11th day through the 17th day. I did still experience fatigue but it was not as intense.

I would say that the toughest experience of the sixth treatment was my expectation of greater energy since the white blood cells did not begin to fall as early. I thought I would have more energy however I found that physically I still was not able to do what mentally I wanted to do. Sometimes it is very disappointing and I must work hard to control my impatience. I continue to combat the negative with the positive - if I fill my mind with everything good then there is no room for ugly thoughts that do nothing but bring me as well as everyone around me harm.

"Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life." Proverbs 4:23

"A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, but when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken." Proverbs 15: 13

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things." Philippians 4:6-8

I am not perfect; there are times when I have failed to diligently watch over my heart. What I have learned is that with practice I fail less often and I fail better each time.

This past Monday I had a CT scan and an Echo test; the drug trial requires these two tests following every third treatment. The Echo measures the efficiency of the heart to determine if the two biologic drugs are damaging the heart muscle; the test results were good and I am able to continue receiving both drugs. Our prayers continue to be answered, the CT scan shows that the tumors no longer look like tumors!

Dr. Patel had an emergency so I only saw him for about two minutes - long enough for him to tell me the good news and to tell me that he wanted to add more treatments. Now how do you say no to more treatments when the treatments are working? The answer is that you don't say no. After the eighth treatment on October 22nd I am scheduled for three more treatments at a reduced dose of taxotere - the chemo drug. Following the eleventh treatment I am scheduled to have Bone and PET scans, an MRI, and any other tests Dr. Patel may have ordered. Right now I don't have all the details because he was still giving the orders to his assistants as he was leaving the room to rush off to the emergency. I will find out the exact details in the next week or two and in the meantime I can trust his decision.

God has blessed me with a knowledgeable and caring doctor and the right drug combination; I can keep on trusting that He is in control - He has his job and I have mine. I am constantly grateful that the treatment is working and I try to keep everything in perspective: on the one hand I have lost a summer to this disease but on the other hand, I have lived through another summer and later this month I will celebrate my fourth birthday since the original diagnosis.

Everyday we decide our attitude and everytime we fail, and we will fail from time to time, we decide if we get back up - the decision is ours to make.

Thanks for checking in on me.

Round Two: Infusion #6 Day 12

2009-09-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

I know I have written about the fatigue but I am not sure that I have included the fact that for the past seven or eight weeks the fatigue has been so tremendous that I have been unable to drive. I have experienced with the sixth treatment less fatigue and last week the white blood cells had yet to fall low enough to require a Lukine injection - this is good as it means that my body is growing stronger. And today, I actually drove to and from CBCC for the weekly check up - woohoo!

Today the white blood cell count was 1.4 and the neutrophil count .3 - low enough that the Lukine injections were ordered for today and every other day until next Monday when the lab tests will be repeated. I have no explanation why with counts this low I am not more fatigued as I have been in the past - it just is better and for that I am grateful.

I did speak with the PA about the slight increase of the CA 15-3 tumor marker and was told that it is common to have some fluctuation. Because I make the choice, everyday is a good day and today was an especially good day.

Round Two: #5 and #6 Catching-up

2009-09-18T18:11:00.000-07:00

Considering that it has been a few weeks since I have written a post, I think the best way to start this post is with an apology for causing anyone to worry about me. Physically I have been okay but emotionally I needed to take a break from being a person with cancer or at least as much of a break as one can take while in the midst of treatment.

Over the past few weeks I've been acknowledging and processing several feelings and yes, sometimes I did want cheese with my whine. The specific issues are not necessarily important to write about; I've dealt with or at least have a good start on dealing with several issues that I needed to acknowledge and I am now feeling less burdened.

The update on my physical health is that treatment number five was no worse than any other treatment I've had, treatment number six so far has been one of the best. The sixth treatment was eight days ago and for the first time during Round Two the white blood cells have yet to fall low enough to require Lukine injections. In fact, had I not experienced very real side effects for a few days following the treatment I would be thinking that the three clear colored drugs I received were not drugs after all.

I have been told that I will be receiving a seventh and eighth treatment. Since every single tumor marker test has yet to reach zero I agree with this decision but I would be attempting to fool you if I did not admit that I do feel some disappointment. The decision has however been softened by having far less fatigue this week.

With less fatigue this week I have been able to realize that the weakness I have been experiencing in my legs and more recently my arms is very much less and therefore almost certain to not be the result of neuropathy. The numbness and coldness of my toes and fingers certainly are due to neuropathy but thankfully it appears that it has not progressed further.

The results of treatment number five are that circulating tumor markers are still at zero; the next lowest one dropped a few tenths; and the other actually increased a few tenths. I did not notice the results during the check up earlier this week so I could not ask questions about the increase but I will be sure to during the check up this coming Monday. I am mindful that the highest tumor marker is still well within the range of normal so I am not panicking. I am hopeful that this is considered "normal" rather than it being an indication that the cancer cells have found a way to work around the drugs. It is possible that only time will provide a satisfactory answer; if the tumor marker begins to drop again then obviously there is nothing to worry about.

On the 28Th I am scheduled to have a CT scan and an Echo test to check on the shrinkage of the tumors (thinking positive) and to make sure that the trial drug and Herceptin are not damaging my heart (again thinking positive). The seventh treatment will be on October 1st, I will see Dr. Patel on the same day for a check up and the test results.

I have just started reading the book Renewal written by Dr. Claude V. DeShazo (Pacific Institute Publishing, 2009). Dr. DeShazo is a surgeon who began a cancer support group almost thirty years ago; the people in the group began to call their path of taking control their Renewal. In the words of the author, "Renewal is about self-awareness, commitment, accountability, and collaboration." As I progress through the book I will share some of what I learn.

It struck me when I first read how the author described what renewal is that it is very much the same journey that I read about in the Bible. I need to have self-awareness of where I am in relation to where God wants me to be; it requires commitment to follow the road map God has determined; no matter how I decide to live my life, I am and will be accountable to God and; God is fully aware that I will face many potholes and I will at times take dangerous detours from his road map but he will collaborate with me to provide all the roadside assistance I need to successfully complete the journey.

And so at the close of this post I will bring it back around to what I have experienced the past few weeks. I cut my speed and slowed down long enough to become more fully aware of my surroundings and then based upon this awareness to actually do something about it. For a short distance I did take the cheese and whine detour - more than once. Sometimes the scenery of our life is just not as pretty as we think it should be and it has far too many potholes for our comfort - God is just waiting for us to ask for his roadside assistance.

Round Two: Infusion #5 Days 7 - 14

2009-09-02T17:58:00.000-07:00

As expected, lab tests on Monday indicated that white blood cells had fallen to 1.4; neutrophils to 0.5; platelets to 80; and hemoglobin to 10.1. No matter how many times I receive the lab results I always feel that it is good to know it is not all in my head - there is a reason for the fatigue. I have continued with the Lukine injections this week and on Friday will be tested again to see if I will need the injections over the weekend.

The fourth infusion resulted in a further reduction of the tumor markers; the CA 15-3 is now 23.6 and the CEA is now 1.3. Wow, the CEA began at 350 and with only four treatments it is now almost zero! I would have liked the CA 15-3 to have fallen more than it did but at least the tumor markers continue to fall and are within the normal range of 0.0 - 38.4.

Some tidbits: the numbness of toes and fingers seems to have been less - perhaps the vitamins I have been taking are being helpful; I gained a pound and now weigh 113; the hair on my head is still very short and sparse but continues to grow however my eyebrow hair is just now falling out; and for about three weeks or more the lower lid of each eye twitches often ... a lot ... everyday ... sometimes continously for a major part of the day ... and, as irritating as it started out being I've adjusted to the twitches.

Last week we discovered the 5-Hour Energy drink which is made up primarily of Niacin, B6, Folic Acid and B12. A few sips of the energy drink every 30 - 45 minutes gave me the energy to enjoy a visit with my sister-in-law Nancy and her mother Judy. I really did not get approval to have the energy drink until this week and that is not something I normally would do, but on the morning of their visit I woke up very fatigued and was willing to take the risk. Fortunately it turned out to not be risky, it worked, and we had a great visit.

Next Thursday, the 10th, I will have the sixth infusion - perhaps it will be the last or perhaps it will be the sixth of eight infusions. I'd like it to be the last but it will be okay if it is not.

Thanks for checking in on me. I don't really have anything inspiring for you tonight which is not to say that I am not inspired every day because I am; I am inspired by the people I read about in the Bible - those who endured such trials and even faced death for proclaiming God's message and I am inspired by people today who have overcome hardships and challenges in their lives. I think the theme of this week is Nike's challenge to all us .... Just Do It.

Round Two: Infusion # 5 Days 1 - 6

2009-08-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

The actual infusion and immediate side effects have been the easiest I have experienced in Round Two; I slept through a great deal of the treatment and the flu-like symptoms began on Saturday and were not too bad.

Right on schedule the fatigue began on Monday. The white cells were very low but not as low as they have been and I am hopeful that means that my body is fighting on its own. The Lukine injections are scheduled for every other day this week because the cells were not as low. The hemoglobin was good and a Procrit injection was not necessary, I did have the weekly B-12 injection.

Today from the knees down including my feet are freezing and a little achy, I have been wearing socks and have had them wrapped up in a quilt. This is the neuropathy and according to the CBCC staff it is possible that the leg weakness I have been experiencing and the arm weakness which recently began are also due to neuropathy. I do have some numbness of the fingers and toes and it is no longer going completely away during the final days of a cycle. On the advice of the PA I have began taking a B vitamin to see if it will help.

The only new side effect I experienced was this afternoon, I was sitting on the floor looking in the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet for a warranty and a wave of nausea hit me along with the feeling that I was going to pass out. Fortunately I was low to the ground and I was able to drop my head for a minute and then lay down until it passed. I won't worry about this unless it begins to happen frequently.

A co-worker, Richard, got me hooked on Dove candy; I love the dark chocolate. The candy is foil wrapped and is just the right size, pop one in your mouth and ever so slowly let it melt....mm mm. The inside of the wrapper contains a variety of messages and today's message is, "Collect 10 different kinds of tree leaves." I'm putting this one on my bathroom mirror and counting the days until I can go on a walk with Madison, Jackson and Connor to collect those leaves. As soon as you can, find a child and experience a walk with them hunting for 10 different kinds of tree leaves - it will be time well spent.

Round Two: Infusion #4 Days 9 - 20

2009-08-19T18:40:00.000-07:00

Well it is at that point of treatment ... the halfway point ... the not much is new point ... the one minute I'm sick of this point and the next minute WooHoo! I'm on the down hill slope point ...

It is the night before treatment number five ... following this treatment I will either have one or three treatments remaining. I do not want to be disappointed so I'm preparing for three treatments because of course I will follow Dr. Patel's recommendation.

Last week the hemoglobin level did drop and I had a Procrit injection along with the weekly B-12 injection but I was able to stop the daily Lukine injections last Friday. This Monday both the neutrophils and hemoglobin were still up so I only had the B-12 injection; this is good, my body was able to produce enough white and red blood cells on its own.

My energy level is up but it lasts for only a short time and I'm not strong enough to be out and about this time. Believe me I tried to be out of the house but less than five minutes in the store and my energy was depleted; the cumulative effect of the treatment has caught up with me.

With treatments one through three I experienced neuropathy - numbness of the toes and fingers which for the most part went away before the next treatment. Quite a bit of the numbness now remains; it is not painful but it is slightly awkard to guide the pen while writing.

I have some fuzzy hair on my head; it's not a pretty sight or cute by any means, it's just a bit fuzzy hair.

Have I told you before how wonderful my husband is? He takes care of everything including me ... he's wonderful.

That's it ... really... there is nothing too tough to report - it is pretty much the same old six and seven around here. By the way, I checked out this expression and according to Wiki it is a 19th Century expression that originated in England and the original expression was "same old seven and six" which referred to the prevailing wage of seven shillings and six pence. The phrase implies that "things" are the same with nothing notable occuring.

That's the way it is around here and I can live with nothing notable occuring.

Round Two: Infusion #4 Days 5 - 8

2009-08-06T22:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we are not told everything in the beginning and I have come to learn that it is not such a bad thing.

For those of you who have been reading this blog from the very beginning you may remember that in 2006 when I was first diagnosed I had received one report after another of bad news in fact it was so much bad news that I decided I was not going to call and get scan reports to find out if the cancer had spread beyond the breast and lymph system. I decided that I could not take anymore bad news and I would just wait until I received a call or until I saw Dr. Risbud again at the time of my first chemo. Fortunately when I did see Dr. Risbud the scan results were that the cancer had not spread to other areas of the body but my point of reminding/telling you about this is to help you understand my emotional and mental status at that time ... I had enough bad news to deal with and any more bad news would have crushed my hope.

When I was told in May that the cancer had returned and it was in the liver that is all I was told. I did learn during the biopsy that there was more than one tumor but I never asked Dr. Patel for more information ... I had enough bad news to deal with and any more bad news would have have crushed my hope.

My team of medical caretakers from their vast experience or their sense of my emotional and mental well being knew that unless I asked it would not be good for me to be told everything. Now that I am better I have been told just exactly how sick I really was:

1) I barely made it into the clinical drug trial - there was so much fluid on my lung that it was affecting my heart and I almost failed the heart efficiency test and since both of the biologic drugs can be hard on the heart there is a minimum heart efficiency requirement. The ECHO last week showed that my heart efficiency is now much, much higher.

2) I knew of more than one tumor in the liver, today I was shown the PET scan which was conducted at the end of April; there were three distinct and sizable areas of cancer activity and at least two smaller areas of activity in the liver; three plus two equals five. The CT scan taken last week showed significant reduction of all tumors in the liver and the PET scan from this week showed absolutely no cancer activity in the liver.

3) Until this week I did not know that the CT scan of April showed a slight darkened area on the spine at about the middle of my back and I did not know that the PET scan definitely showed cancer activity in the same area. The CT scan of last week does still show a slight darkening but it is less and the PET scan of this week indicates absolutely no cancer activity in the area. In fact let me go ahead and tell you right now, the PET scan shows absolutely no cancer activity anywhere in my body!

4) Dr. Patel told me today that if the finding of the cancer had been delayed by even six weeks we would have had a very different conversation ... in other words we might have been having a discussion of how much time I had left.

It's the same thing that happened when I was diagnosed in 2006, such a small tumor but such extensive lymph node involvement that even the surgeon was surprised. I am so grateful and so very blessed that Dr. Patel after reviewing my cancer history determined that standard follow-up protocol of scans every six months could not be followed for me and that instead I needed scans every three months. The scans of January showed no cancer activity ... three months later there was a tremendous amount of cancer activity.

Let's see, I think that covers everything I did not know but now do know ... at least as far as I know right now. Oh my stars-a-mercy let me tell you it is so much easier to find out the bad news when in the next breath you are told of all the good news. When Dr. Patel walked into the exam room today in his beautiful voice he sang out, "There is no bad news to report today!" Well, I don't actually know if he sang it out but it sounded like a beautiful sing out to me.

Now if that is not enough good news let me share more good news and keep in mind that all of the good news I have reported and am about to report are based upon tests that were conducted after only three treatments. And oh by the way, I am told that not everyone has such immediate and positive results as I have had. So here you go:

1) The tumor markers are now in the normal range the CA 15-3 is now at 26.9 and the CEA is now at 3; remember now that these markers started out at 305 and 350 respectively. Circulating tumor cells initially were 112 and they are now at zero.

2) Liver function was far from normal and now is completely normal.

3) Oh and did I mention that the PET scan shows absolutely no cancer activity anywhere in my body? Of course I know that I have already told you that but I just loving saying/writing those words, absolutely no cancer activity; they are beautiful words.

Now what does all of this mean in terms of treatment? I am still scheduled for six chemo treatments and following the sixth treatment the scans will be repeated. If the tumors are completely gone I will go onto the maintenance program which is continuing on the trial drug for a total of one year and continuing with Herceptin for the rest of my life. When the trial drug passes through all the FDA requirements I will likely receive it for the rest of my life as well.

If the tumors are not completely gone I will have two more chemo treatments and then based upon scan results I may also have further treatment such as radiation. I, of course, really hope than the tumors will be gone after the sixth treatment because the fatigue from the treatment is very difficult.

On Monday I began the Lukine injections because as expected the white blood cells had plummeted to almost nothing. The Hemoglobin however was very good and the platelet count actually improved. I will be re-tested next Monday to determine if more Lukine injections are needed and to also check on the Hemoglobin level.

Tonight I am reminded of Psalms 23 particularly the following: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want ... He leads me beside quiet waters ... even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death ... my cup overflows."

Through the two experiences with cancer I have become more fully aware of my blessings and have received so many more. My hope for you is that you never have to go through this trial to fully realize and experience that your life is also filled with so many blessings and that your cup too overflows. These blessings are a gift from our Creator and He wants us to appreciate and enjoy these blessings and then to share them with others. I hope that you make a plan for today; a plan to fully experience, appreciate and share your blessings.

Round Two: Infusion # 4 Days 1 - 4

2009-08-02T20:44:00.000-07:00

This was the first infusion scheduled to have all three drugs on the same day: Pertuzumab (trial drug), Taxotere and Herceptin. Fortunately I tolerated all of the drugs very well - my appointment began at 1:00 PM and we were on our way home by 5:45 PM.

Randy and I started the day by meeting April and the grand kids for breakfast and once we arrived at CBCC we were joined by two friends for a short time. I'm glad my friends were there for awhile because it did help to distract me; I was not as prepared for this infusion as I thought I was. To be exact, the infusion itself was not what I was dreading but rather the many days of fatigue that would surely follow.

I have been blessed because this infusion has given me the least immediate side effects and I am grateful. I do very much hope that this is an indication that my body is growing stronger, that the white blood cells will not plumet this time and that the fatigue will be less. My legs were not as strong this morning a sure sign of fatigue which goes hand-in-hand with the loss of white blood cells.

Because I have had light side effects and have not gone in to have an injection, it seems as though in some sense that I have had the weekend off. I have a check-up tomorrow and like many of you I will be returning to my "job". Let's make it a happy week - there will surely be some tasks that we would rather not be faced with but because we can, let's make it a happy week anyway.

Round Two: Last Day of Infusion #3

2009-07-29T17:17:00.001-07:00

I'm ready for tomorrow and infusion #4. The Procrit and Lukine injections did a great job ... in fact the white blood cells ended up being too high and guess what, that caused fatigue! By Thursday and Friday of last week I could tell that the cells were coming up and staying up and then on Saturday I did not feel quite as strong and by Sunday I felt terrible. In fact on Sunday I did something rare for me ... I had a pity party; it seemed to be so unfair that I was feeling worse instead of better.

On Monday I had a CT scan, lab tests and a Echo followed by a check up and then I learned that the white blood cells were higher than normal and too many white blood cells also cause fatigue. So to Randy I said my usual Monday comment, "It's good to know it's not all in my head!" Whew!

Monday evening I did get to have dinner with two girlfriends and since my appointment is not until 1:00 tomorrow we are having breakfast with April and the grand kids and today I went to the Library all by myself; it's been an enjoyable three days.

Tomorrow the cycle starts all over again - I wish it was infusion #6; I am so ready for this to be behind me. BUT, it is infusion #4 and I will focus on being grateful that three infusions are behind me and I am getting closer to the finish line.

I will end today with something a friend sent me, some comments by Rick Warren author of The Purpose Driven Life.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. (Let me, Jan, just insert at this point that I believe Rick is not saying that God does not care about our happiness.)

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

Until next time, don't forget to count your blessings.

Round Two: Infusion #3 Days 7 - ?

2009-07-21T21:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my weekly check up; white blood cell count was 2.3, neutrophils 0.2 and my hemoblobin is 9.8. So, Lukine injections continue and I started on a weekly injection of Procrit to bring up the red blood cell count. I also had the weekly B-12 injection and since the cells should stop dying off by Thursday I hope to have a big bounce in my energy level by the weekend.

I did get the results of the other tumor marker test, the CEA showed that after the completition of the second infusion the tumor markers dropped to 14.3 (normal is 0.0 - 5.0). I am very encouraged and hopeful that the CT scan I will have next week will indicate positive results as well.

Today I was particularly exhausted so I have no inspirational thoughts for the day; everything is ok and that's good enough for today. Thanks for checking in on me and an extra thank you to my friends that I worship with for bringing dinner twice a week.

Round Two: Infusion #3 Days 3 - 6

2009-07-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

I think I have settled into a fairly dependable pattern, days one through three are great because of the steroids and then I begin to feel the effects on day four. The effects that I have felt on day four with infusions two and three are thankfully far less than what I experienced with the first infusion; basically I feel as if I have a very mild case of the flu on days three and four.

When I first awaken on day five I feel better than I did on the previous day, however within a short time the feeling of exhaustion begins and grows worse as the day goes along. Yesterday, day five, I had a check up and sure enough the white cells had already begun to fall. It is interesting what we can become accustomed to, I never imagined that I would look forward to receiving an injection but yesterday I was hoping the injections would begin and fortunately they did. I am scheduled to receive a daily injection of Lukine for the next two weeks and a weekly B-12 injection has been added. I was told that the B-12 would give me just a bit of a boost for a couple of days and I believe that I may be experiencing the boost now.

By day six my mouth is sensitive and almost everything tastes salty - even water. This is when the magic mouthwash comes in handy, a good swish and small swallow of the mouthwash allows me to eat without discomfort. It is also when I have to be careful to brush my teeth everytime I have something to eat followed by a rinse of saltwater. Usually my lips peel, the corners of my mouth crack, and my skin is extra dry so I use chapstick and lotion often.

Fortunately the Lukine injections have become less painful, I think this is because my ribs have had more time to recover and because I finally have listened to Randy and I take a whole vicodin instead of trying to see if one-half of the pill will work.

Yesterday I received good news, the tumor marker test CA 15-3 indicated that after the second infusion the tumor markers dropped from 126.0 to 40.0 and the liver function tests indicated that my liver is almost at the point of normal function. I do not know the results of the other tumor marker test because I forgot to ask for the printout however, I was told that I was being beaten up but that the beating was working. I guess if one is going to take a beating at least let it be a beating that "works".

According to the gospel our trials and tribulations can be profitable depending upon how we handle them - it's a matter of choice. I am going through a tough time but I don't kid myself, there are many others who have far greater challenges and fewer resources than I do. I am blessed and I try to take nothing for granted because I know that my circumstances could change at any time. I will close with something Lance Armstrong said, "I take nothing for granted. I now only have good days or great days."

Round Two: Infusion Three Days 1 - 2

2009-07-10T19:57:00.000-07:00

I think my blog has been spamed and until I can figure out what to do about it you may notice that the side bar is a mess of words overlaying my content. I have created a post in the Help section to find out how to get rid of the unauthorized material. It appears as though I am going to learn something new!

Yesterday went perfectly; I was premedicated with the full amount of Benadryl and steroids and I did not have a reaction to the trial drug - the third time was the charm. I did have a wonderful steroid high for the rest of the day and evening and along with it a tremendous appetite, I gained 1.5 pounds in one day! Since I did not have a negative reaction to the trial drug I will move beginning with infusion four to receiving all of the drugs on one day.

Today I received Herceptin followed by premeds (more steroids and anti-nausea drugs) and finally the chemo drug. I feel great and am appreciating this time before the side effects begin. I will have labs and a checkup on Monday to see how the white cells are; I hope to also receive a report of the tumor markers.

This week I received a Treasure Box from some of my friends where I worship. Each one wrote a message to me on one side of the card and most then wrote a scripture on the other side of the card. This is definitely a special gift and I plan to read one card a day - two or more if it's a tough day!

Today's treasure is a song shared with me by Susan:

Teach me Lord to wait, down on my knees, till in your own good time, you answer my pleas, teach me not to rely on what others do, but to wait in prayer, for an answer from you. They that wait upon the Lord, shall renew their stength, they shall mount up like wings on an eagle, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint. Teach me Lord, teach me Lord to wait.

I continue to be blessed beyond my needs. Thank you for taking time to check in on me, for your prayers and continued encouragement.

Here is a picture from July 4th. Connor, our youngest grandson, is not comfortable with my bald head and he will tell me it's crazy and to put a hat on. I thought that perhaps a bandanna would be cooler since we would be outside, little did I know the impression it would make on Connor. He thought I looked "cool, like a pyra-rate" (pirate).

Round Two: Infusion Two Days 13 - 19

2009-07-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

It took fourteen injections and numerous bowls of yogurt with protein powder but as of today the total white blood cell count is 9. and the neutrophils are 6.2. Both counts are great and in fact this is the highest count since I began treatment; a normal count is 4.1 - 10.9 and 2.0 - 7.8 respectively. The total red blood cell count, hemoglobin, and platelets are still a bit low but not drastically and the counts should continue to rise over the next few days.

I am on schedule for infusion number three on Thursday and Friday; if I only need a total of six infusions I will be almost at the halfway point!

In the meantime, I am really looking forward to the next couple of "free" days to be around people and go anyplace I want.

The comparison between the treatment of 2006 and the treatment now (Round Two) has remained the same, in all aspects Round Two has been easier except for the white blood cell challenge. And now I will say, the white blood cell challenge has been HUGE. Exhaustion, exhaustion, and the next day more exhaustion - that's what it has been like.

My blessings: a husband who takes wonderful care of me; co-workers who shopped and cooked to prepare several meals for us (I'm so glad I said yes to their offer!); your prayers and encouragement; and a loving Father who has provided for all of my needs.

I am doing just fine.

Round Two: Infusion Two Days 9 - 12

2009-07-01T22:07:00.000-07:00

BIG SIGH ... ten days of Lukine injections and the white cells are still not high enough, overall white cell count is 2.5 and neutrophils is .8; four more days have been scheduled.

BIG SMILE ... I am grateful to know that the fatigue I feel is not in my head; I am grateful the cells did not bottom out; I am grateful for Lukine; I am grateful for the wonderfully delicious food my co-workers prepared for us; I am grateful the treatment is working; I am grateful that God continues to send His blessings.

Round Two: Infusion Two Days 2 - 8

2009-06-26T19:09:00.000-07:00

Let me first of all share the good news I received during my check up with Dr. Patel yesterday, Thursday June 25th. Upon examination of my abdomen Dr. Patel said that the liver size was reduced; my question to him was, "Are you sure?". He then proceeded to show Randy and I the facts about my tumor markers:

Test / Normal Range / April 30, 09 / May 26, 09 / June 18, 09

CA 15-3 / 0.0 - 38.4/ 197 / 305 / 126

CEA / 0.0 - 5.0 / 268 / 350 / 72.4

There you go, the chemo is working!

Liver function tests:

Test / Normal Range / April 30, 09 / May 26, 09 / June 18, 09

ALT / 10 - 60 / 86 / 59 / 20
AST / 10 - 42 / 100 / 92 / 29
Alkaline
Phos / 42 - 121 / 128 / 144 / 117
GGT / 7 - 64 / ? / 142 / 77

(I had this in a nice table format but publishing changes everything so I have tried to divide the information with the "/" marks. Bottom line, if it's too difficult to read or your not interested then you can just take my word for it ... CHEMO IS WORKING :). )

I have no idea what the liver function tests tell us but I can read the norm and see the difference as of June 18th; the liver function has improved.

At first I thought the results were after two chemo infusions but they are not because on June 18th I had the second infusion and this is the lab tests run prior to the start of the second infusion! Makes the results even more impressive doesn't it?

When I compare the chemo of 2006 to the chemo of 2009 there are some differences; some of the differences are good and some are not so good.

First of all the first infusion for each was difficult and the second infusion was easier. This certainly was true for the most recent infusion - I did not have the flu symptoms as intense as I had with the first infusion. Furthermore, with the drug I am receiving now, taxotere, the immediate side effects are easier; I have far less nausea and far less of a salty taste (again I am fortunate to have a salty taste rather than a metallic taste).

BUT, I am on a heavy dose of taxotere and it is very, very tough on my white cells. With the 2006 chemo my body followed the standard pattern and the cells did not start falling off until the 7th day. That meant that when the immediate side effects were over I would have a few days of feeling good and the ability to be around people before the cells would begin to fall and I needed to be in isolation. This is not true now, my cells start to fall immediately and they fall so low that the fatigue is tremendous.

One week ago today was the infusion:

The next day I had a Lukine injection (prompts the bone marrow to produce white cells);

Sunday was the day of flu symptoms and I did not have an injection;

By Monday I was so fatigued it was difficult to shower and dress in order to go in and receive another injection;

Tuesday was better but by the afternoon I was very tired;

Wednesday I was wiped out again and exhaused by the time I got in to receive the injection;

Thursday (yesterday) I had very little improvement in the fatigue level and lab tests indicated the neutrophils had fallen from a high of 3.8 on June 18th to .3 yesterday (norm is 2.0 - 7.8) and the total white blood count fell from 5.7 on June 18th to 1.8 (norm is 4.1 - 10.9).

I am glad that I had the three early injections - it is hard to know how much lower the cell count would have been. I started yesterday on a 7 day injection schedule; I've had two and five more to go.

As I have written before, the injection itself is given in fatty tissue and so they are not painful. I have been having them in the back of my right arm (cannot use the left arm because of the loss of lymph nodes in 2006). Today my arm had a few bruised and red patches so we switched to the hip - there is enough flab there for the injection to be painless HA!

I have experienced the most incredible pain as the result of the injections and then sometimes I will have very little pain. The heating pad, vicodin and ibuprofin help me to deal with it. This past Monday the pain was so intense I asked Randy to come into the bedroom and be with me; he quietly stroked my back and spoke comforting words, I actually thought he might start breathing with me like when he was my labor coach when I was having April HA! Let me tell you, my husband is the very best!!!!!

Here are some other details:

I weighed 124 on May 12th, yesterday I weighed 114. In between these dates I did get up to 119 so it appears that I gain during the "good week" (which is the third week of the cyle and the week I receive chemo) and then I have chemo and the weight drops again. Yesterday Dr. Patel told me to have a milkshake everyday.

The tips of my fingers look like raisins - they are shriveled and the skin around my cuticles is thin, dry and peeling, if I bump or scratch my fingers the skin peels.

I am bald with patches of hair growth. We will see what happens on the 14th day of this cycle - the patches of growth may decrease.

My eyes, nostrils, mouth, throat and esophgus burn - the quickest growing cells die first - I love the Magic Mouthwash.

Did I say how much I love the heating pad? It helps aches and pains and warms my feet when they are cold.

When I don't write for several days don't worry, it just means that I am too tired. If anything is seriously wrong I will have April or Randy write a post to inform you.

Here is one of the many verses that I think of during the tough times:

I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

Everyday we have to start our day believing this and then we will live the day acting like this.

Thank you so much for your emails, cards, calls, encouragement and especially for your prayers - our prayers are being answered! You are a blessing to me and I really believe that you are part of the "strength" that He gives to me each and every day.

Round Two: Infusion #2 Day 1

2009-06-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

Today's lab results were good giving evidence that my bone marrow continued to produce white blood cells after the injections were completed, overall the white blood cell count was 5.7 and the neutrophils were up to 3.8. I am very happy with the results.

The trial drug infusion went well today. First I was pre-medicated with Benadryl and steroids followed by a short waiting period and then the one hour infusion of the trial drug began. At about twenty minutes into the infusion I began to feel a warmth at the base of my throat and top of my chest, at the same time my heart began to beat faster. Randy got Kari's (my assigned oncology nurse for the day) attention and she immediately stopped the infusion and checked my blood pressure which was up to 148/83. The PA and another nurse consulted with Keri and it was determined to give me another 80 mil of the steroid which would bring me up to the same level I was given the first time I had the reaction. Following the additional steroid there was a short waiting period and then I was able to finish the infusion. Once the infusion was completed I waited the one hour observation period and left with a blood pressure of 117/78.

I also had a brief check-in with Susanna, Dr. Patel's PA. Together we decided that it would be best to begin the Leukine injections before my cells plummeted and I had no immune system. I like the idea of not having the extreme fatigue an additional bonus is that I will have the injections every other day versus everyday. Saturday will be the first injection followed by Monday and Wednesday then I will have labs and see Dr. Patel on Thursday.

Tomorrow I will receive the chemo drug and Herceptin following pre-medication of Benadryl, steroid and Ativan to prevent nausea.

It was a good day today and I expect it to be so tomorrow! Thank you for your prayers, encouragement, cards, and positive thoughts.

PS It must be the good health combined with the steroids ... I ate a large dinner followed by ice cream and cake and one hour later I'm starving! I'm going the protein, chicken, cheese and sundried tomatoe wheat thins ... then I'm going to have a root beer float.

Round Two: Infusion #1, Day 15 - 20

2009-06-17T11:23:00.000-07:00

This past week has gone by quickly; I have enjoyed being with friends and family but have also made sure to rest each afternoon. Sometimes I have slept for less than thirty minutes but a couple of days the naps have been as long as two hours.

I was surprised Sunday afternoon to receive a call from Dr. Patel. He said that he was very encouraged that the chest x-ray one week following the first chemo indicated the lung fluid was almost gone, he went on to state that he felt the chemo was already working. I was not sure if the reduction of lung fluid was due to the massive steroids or chemo, it was good to hear that Dr. Patel feels it is due to chemo.

Then Dr. Patel and I discussed the Leukine injections; he said that I was receiving the maximum dose of chemo and that I should expect to receive Leukine injections each time. That makes me feel a little better; I had been worried that it was an indication of my body not being strong. On the other hand, needing the maximum dose does give an indication of just how serious Round Two really is.

Tomorrow is infusion number two of the trial drug and Friday I will receive chemo and Herceptin; although I dread what the next two weeks could be, I also look forward to giving some good punches to the cancer cells. Late Monday evening I felt tenderness in a new area of my abdomen and of course it leads me to believe that there is a new area of inflammation and/or new tumor growth. Randy thinks it does not seem different, I hope this time he is right and I am wrong!

My daily routine became easier this week; by Monday my hair was falling out everywhere and I decided to have it shaved before chemo at the end of the week. Fortunately Shelley, my hairdresser, was able to fit me in on Monday. There were no tears this time; I know that it will grow back and I know how much easier it will be for me when I am fatigued. Jack and Madison remember the first time I was bald but this is a new experience for Connor (the youngest grandchild). When Connor saw me yesterday he wanted to know why I was wearing a hat and his specific question was if I was going to a baseball game (this family loves baseball). When he did see my bald head he said it was "crazy"; it was obvious that his use of the word crazy was not in the sense of "crazy-good". I did get a compliment from him later when he saw the color of my toe nail polish (tangerine), he said he liked it and it was "cool".

Last night I attended a nutrition class at CBCC (Comprehensive Blood and Cancer Center); the information was good and I was able to visit with three friends so the time was well spent. I will write about nutrition in a future post.

I am reading a the book, Unstoppable by Cynthia Kersey; my friend from work, Richard, gave me the book along with a couple other books before I left on medical leave. I will end today's post with an Ethopian proverb written in the book:

"When spider webs unite, they can tie up a lion."

Thanks for your encouragement; kind and supportive words; and your prayers - we are going to tie up this lion!

Round Two: Infusion #1 Day 14 Update

2009-06-11T19:44:00.000-07:00

White Cell count is up; overall count 5.1, neutrophils 2.9. I'm on track for infusion #2 one week from today.

Round Two: Infusion #1 Days 9 - 14

2009-06-11T09:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the seventh Leukine injection and today I have labs and a check up. I feel sure that the white cells are higher and I am hopeful, but not certain, that the count will high enough so that I will be released from isolation.

Today is day 14 and in the chemo cycle this should be the point where the white blood cells begin to climb on their own. By next Thursday, the 18Th, the cells need to be high enough in order for me to receive infusion #2.

The Leukine injection is given in the fatty area behind the upper arm; since my left arm cannot be used I have seven little bruises on the back of my right arm. The injection itself is painless; I wish I could say the same for the side effects. Advil, vicodin, a heating pad, and a warming blanket made the side effects easier. The side effects of the last three injections were more tolerable, the pain and aches were more focused in my hips and legs and there less pain radiating from the spine. After each injection I would have approximately one hour before the side effects would begin and then the discomfort would be with me for a few hours before it would subside. Later in the evening the side effects would return only to a much smaller degree.

During my chemo orientation I was told that if I required the injections I should be prepared to have the injections following each infusion thereafter because my body would become "lazy". I have talked with some people however who only needed one or two courses of the injections. I hope I only need this one course. By the way I have found the most delicious way to have the protein powder is in a milk shake, as the Barefoot Contessa would say, "How bad is that"?

For the most part my daily schedule for the last week has focused around the injection appointment followed by the rest of the day spent in bed dealing with the pain and aches. Needless to say the days sort of blended together. Most of the time I laid in bed watching the Food Network and looking forward to having the energy to cook some of the delicious food I have seen!

The thrush is gone and my mouth has returned to normal, I am so very thankful! I still continue with the routine of brushing and rinsing with salt water following each meal or snack and I am careful to not eat food that is spicy or acidic.

Today's check up includes a follow-up on my cough which thankfully is gone. If I did not mention it in the previous post, last week Dr. Seninning increased the dose strength of the antibiotic I was taking and that has worked.

This morning I noticed that my hair is beginning to fall out; it is time for me to get my hats ready. I have mixed feelings of course because on the one hand it will be so much easier but of course on the other hand it makes this so much more real. I do still have moments of not believing that this is happening again.

I have found that I have less fear the second time around and that is of course because I have some knowledge of what to expect. I have been tested before and I know that God will provide all the resources necessary for me to endure this time of testing. I may not be confident that my white cells are high enough yet, but I am absolutely certain that God will provide the resources I need to deal with whatever comes my way.

I will close today with some of my favorite verses, Philippians 4:11-13:

"Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

Thank you for your encouragement and prayers; I count each of you as a gift from God - a part of the many resources and blessings He has provided for me.

Round Two: Infusion #1 Days 7 and 8

2009-06-05T18:44:00.000-07:00

Imagine a semi-automatic pointed at you shooting one challenge after another and you will know how my week has been.

Yesterday was my first check-up since the infusion and it included blood work. On 5/28 I had a total white blood cell count of 4.7, yesterday the count was 1.1.

The neutrophils count was 3.5 on 5/28 and yesterday it was 0.1. Neutrophils are the most abundant of the white blood cells and they are the first immune cells to arrive at the site of infection. Basically a count of 0.1 meant that I had almost no front line defenders.

Yesterday I began a seven-day series of Leukine injections to stimulate the bone marrow to produce white blood cells.

Today shortly after waking I experienced intense muscle spasms and bone pain; stimulating the bone marrow causes bone aches and can cause muscle spasms. It seems safe to assume that the first Leukine injection is already at work.

The injections are given in the fatty tissue of the arm and fortunately there is no pain - slight bruising but no pain. Seven days in a row includes Saturday and Sunday so tomorrow while most of you are sleeping in I will be receiving at injection at about 8:00 am because on the weekends everybody reports for injections at eight.

To wrap this up I'll say that it has been quite a week but I've got my pink boxing gloves on!

Round Two: Days 5 and 6 (Tues and Wed)

2009-06-03T13:34:00.000-07:00

I went to bed Monday night feeling pretty good and believing that I would wake Tuesday feeling even better. Well, I woke Tuesday morning to bone aches and I felt ripped off. It was not fair, Monday was better than Sunday and Tuesday should have been better than Monday. An electric lap blanket and ibuprofen helped and really the bone aches were not as bad as they were when I had Taxol in 2006.

My mouth was more sore however even though I had faithfully brushed my teeth and rinsed with warm salt water. By yesterday afternoon my tongue looked like hamburger meat ... mothers who are reading this may have guessed ... I have Thrush. Two rounds of antibiotic and chemo proved to be too much and the yeast/fungal infection has run amok in my mouth and down my throat. I began taking a medication late yesterday afternoon and it is better.

Not only can I barely taste anything but anything I put in my mouth, including water, burns like crazy. G..R..E..A..T I am being challenged. If you were inclined to feel sorry for yourself before you read this I bet you are not so inclined right now are you?

So here I go;

I am writing this on a laptop using high speed Internet, how many people have a laptop let alone a computer?

I did get to see April and the kids yesterday evening for a couple of hours; it was a wonderful dose of sweet medicine for me.

As I write this my husband is defrosting the "frost-free" refrigerator/freezer before we give up and buy a new one. He can take care of me and my disabled brother; watch over/clean up after my elderly father; cook a great meal; laugh with me over our darling precocious grandchildren; hopefully fix the freezer; and much more this week alone without cracking ... yet. He gets my "Husband of the Year" vote.

Our daughter passed her final entrance exam with an almost perfect score. This past year, April has faced huge and unexpected challenges that have turned her life upside down but she has faced each challenge with determination and resolve. I am proud of her for not hiding and running away from the challenges.

Tomorrow I have lab work and see the PA for a check up and then I see another doctor in the practice for what I am not sure. I think he is one of the infectious disease doctors and he will be checking to see if my mouth and throat are healing. At CBCC I get wonderful care so where they say to report is where I go. My cost for this excellent care is only $25.00 each time I see a doctor - I am thankful I have insurance.

This morning I started the day by studying Galatians and was reminded of one of my favorite verses, "...the fruit of the Sprit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control ... "

My final thought for you today is from Billy Graham, "Mountaintops are for views and inspiration, but fruit is grown in the valleys.

Round Two: Days 4 and 5 (Sun and Mon)

2009-06-01T14:38:00.000-07:00

My mouth is sore; my taste buds are altered; my lips are peeling; my body is weak and tired from yesterday's severe body aches - however thanks to ibuprofen and my loving husband I have survived Day 4.

Yesterday could have been worse; today is better and tomorrow will be even better.

Round Two: Day Two and Day Three (Fri and Sat)

2009-05-30T19:24:00.000-07:00

Day Two started out with a warning from my nurse, "I heard what you asked for yesterday (a symptom) and I saw what happened, don't say anything today!" I assured her that I had no further need of a symptom; we both had large smiles on our faces.

Liz then went on to inform me that they were going to be extra cautious with the day's infusions. I was predosed with Benadryl and steroids before receiving Herceptin over two hours instead of the prescribed ninety minutes. Then I was observed for one hour before receiving more Benadryl and steroids and also a good dose of Ativan before the one hour infusion of Taxotere. The day went very smoothly and I had no reactions.

I do have a steroid flush though - my face and chest is where it is more noticeable. And today I have noticed that for the first time in weeks my breathing is easier, I think the massive steroids are clearing up the fluid in my right lung. It feels great to take a deep breath.

I have had no nausea and so far no bone or muscle aches; I do notice that my hips and legs feel a little weak.

I have made sure to eat 75 grams of protein today. My white blood cells should start decreasing on the seventh day so I want to make sure they decrease as little as possible. The trial drug also causes a drop of white blood cells and I don't want to be so low that I will need to have the injections to stimulate the bone marrow to produce white blood cells.

I will return for labs next Thursday - once a week blood is drawn to check on the levels of both the white and red blood cells.

Round Two has started out easy and I have no complaints - only blessings to continue to count and to be thankful for.

Round Two: Day 1 (Thursday)

2009-05-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

I made it into the Clinical Trial and I've got the drug instead of the placebo! I know I've got the drug because I had a pretty big reaction within 30 minutes of receiving the 60 minute infusion. The first thing I noticed was that my chest felt tight and then my breathing became rapid and shallow and my blood pressure went up to 139 / 96 and blood oxygen level dropped to 92. Within seconds I was surrounded by nurses and the PA, they placed me on oxygen and gave Benadryl and steroids. In the midst of this I was giving the thumbs up sign and trying to say, "I've got the drug!"

The oxygen helped and blood oxygen began to climb, breathing became easier but my chest stayed tight, then my blood pressure dropped and I became very cold. Randy says it dropped to 63 / 40 - that's when everything was fuzzy for me. I do remember hearing the nurse saying it was up to 70 / 40 but my vision was fuzzy and I could not see the nurse.

Eventually all the vitals returned to normal and I was given more steroids and then was able to finish the rest of the dose. Yahoo!

I was told that the trial drug is made up of 90 percent human DNA and 10 percent mice DNA and that the allergic reaction was likely to be to the mice DNA but that hereafter my body will know it and I should not have the reaction again. However, just to be sure I will be predosed with Benadryl and steroids. I also have a predose of Ativan to ward off any nausea.

Tomorrow I will receive the chemo drug and Herceptin, then the side effects of the chemo drug will set in. The drug is Docetaxel also known as Taxotere and it is very similar to Taxol one of the chemo drugs I had previously. The nausea should be less with Taxotere but it does cause flu like symptoms with deep bone and muscle aches. I found with Taxol that the first dose was the worst and the side effects decreased with each following dose.

Today was quite an experience but throughout it I felt peaceful and I was uncomfortable but I really was not afraid. I have found that if I stay focused on what my job is - to glorify God today it is so much more peaceful.

It is wonderful to feel peaceful and wonderful to have a drug in me tonight that is already beginning to work! I hope your day was a wonderful as mine was!

Today's Schedule

2009-05-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

First of all let me say that the cold I caught last weekend has been a big challenge. I know this is an indication of how overworked my immune system must be. For several days I have been extremely fatigued - very much like a chemo fatigue. I have also had shortness of breath which probably contributed to the fatigue. Thankfully the antibiotic has finally kicked in and even though my energy is still low it is greatly improved as is my breathing.

For those of you who followed my first journey you may remember that I found the fatigue one of my greatest challenges. I'm honestly not sure if all the fatigue can be attributed to the cold; some portion of it is due to the cancer. Besides unexpected tears and chemo-like brain fog at times, the fatigue has produced a longing to begin the chemo.

I find with Round Two that I am far less afraid and have far greater peace of mind. Mentally and emotionally I am as prepared as one probably can be and today I feel that physically I am just about as prepared.

Today is a bit of a busy day starting with great amounts of blood drawn while eating a granola bar at 8:45 this morning. Unfortunately the veins in my right arm did not cooperate and since only the right arm can be used due to lymph node removal of 2006 this meant more than one "poke" and some bruising. Eventually the tech found a vein in my right hand but it was slow going. Maybe someday I will learn the lesson, "Stop and take me to a nurse who can use the port for the draw." But the tech was so sweet and all the poking was pain free so I allowed her to continue - perhaps she could learn from my experience and it could help someone who would not have the option of using a port.

After the lab I had a chest x-ray and then I moved on to Nuclear Medicine where I received the injection needed for the bone scan. I am at home now drinking a lot of water to move the injected material through my body in order to produce a good scan. Following the scan I have an EKG and then chemo orientation.

It's a busy day but thankfully I am up for it.

It's All About How You Look At It

2009-05-20T19:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Randy and I received the test results, the biopsy cells were exactly the same as the 2006 cancer cells; I have breast cancer with mets to the liver.

I am not writing the Yahoo! post I had hoped to write but I am turning this into a Yahoo! post:

1. Yahoo! It is not primary cancer to the liver.
2. Yahoo! There are chemo drugs and Herceptin to attack the tumors.
3. Yahoo! Dr. Patel is optimistic.
4. Yahoo! Because of Herceptin Germaine has lived twelve years after mets to the liver for the second time; she gives me hope and inspiration. I will now take Herceptin for the rest of my life and that makes me feel more secure.
5. Yahoo! I'm being considered for a Phase III Clinical Trial (more about that later).
6. Yahoo! It's not a fatal car accident.
7. Yahoo! I've done this before and I can do it again. Some of us get to put on our boxing gloves and get into the ring more than others.
8. Yahoo! My employer is fine with me taking six months and longer if needed off work (they want me back!!!).
9. Yahoo! I have family and friends - a wonderful support system.
10. Yahoo! I'll be bald during the summer rather than during the winter when my head could freeze.
11. Yahoo! I won't have to shave my legs this summer.
12. Yahoo! I will save money by not purchasing hair products and monthly hair cuts.
13. Yahoo! I'm already planning a celebration cruise for 2010.

By now I am sure you have got the idea, instead of dwelling on the negative I chose to focus on the positive.

I learned yesterday that my HER3 may be playing a part in the cancer; no I did not make a mistake, HER3. First of all there is HER1, HER2, HER3, and HER4; I only knew about HER2. It seems as though some HER2 positive women have an onery HER3 which sends encouraging communication to HER2. A drug has been developed to stop the HER3 gene from being so supportive of HER2 and that drug is in Phase III of Clinical Trial.

Coordinating the trials in the US is the drug company which produces Herceptin (for new readers, Herceptin attacks the HER2 gene) and the founding researchers located in Germany. Today my cancer cells were sent to Germany for HER2 confirmation and HER3 testing. If I am also HER3 positive I have a chance as being admitted into the trial and if admitted I have a 50 percent chance of receiving the drug (50 percent of the participants will receive a placebo - it's like a coin toss).

I have a lot of reseach to do and I will share what I learn but there's another Yahoo!. If this is the drug trial I think it is, in Europe the drug performed so wonderfully that by Phase III the researhers determined they could not in good faith deny the drug to the women who were being given the placebo and they began giving those women the trial drug. Yahoo!

So what do I want to share with you today? Find and list every Yahoo! in your life they are there - it's all about how you look at it.

Oh yes, I start chemo in eight days - I will write more about that later.

No News Today

2009-05-18T19:08:00.000-07:00

I did not receive a call today to schedule an appointment with Dr. Patel. I'm sure that means that my original pathology (preserved cells from the breast cancer) has not been received; those cells are surely in storage somewhere and may take more than a few days to be delivered.

I think that the pathology report from the biopsy last week is probably ready because everyone concerned said that it should be ready. Here is the way I look at it, if the report is ready and I did not receive a call today it means that no one took a look at that report and said "Oh my this is horrendous, get her in here now!".

The day started in the most peaceful way possible. The alarm went off as usual and as I was waking my first thought was, "Oh the prayers are working and the tumors are shrinking." It was such a peaceful thought and I felt so blessed. I remember feeling my abdomen and yes, the swelling was still there but I felt less pressure and discomfort so maybe there was less swelling. As I awoke more fully I realized that I must have been dreaming. Instead of feeling sad or depressed, I felt peaceful and thanked God for the wonderful dream and I counted the dream as my first blessing of the day.

Is it real ... are the tumors shrinking and am I being healed, or was it a dream? Only time will tell but what I do know is, the peaceful feeling stayed with me all day. I am so grateful for your prayers, they have brought me peace. Ultimately I don't know how our prayers will be answered with regard to my physical health, but I do know that our prayers for peace, patience, and my continued strength are daily being answered.

I caught a cold this weekend; my second cold since January and likely an indication of the condition of my immune system. Today on my lunch hour I went to the health food store and bought Whey Protein Powder; I have placed myself back on 75 grams of protein per day.

Tomorrow is another day - another day for each of us to continue with love our prayers for one another and to count our blessings.

Liver Biopsy

2009-05-13T16:45:00.000-07:00

A liver biopsy, at least the type of biopsy I had today, is only slightly uncomfortable for a few moments. There was the typical sting while the local was given and after that the only physical discomfort was pressure. Emotionally there was some discomfort, WHEW, it seemed like it was a long-long needle! I will admit to a couple of tears that trickled down my face for a moment but when I realized that the long-long needle was not painful it became less scary.

Today the word, "spot" was used and the spot where the biopsy was taken was on my right side just below the last rib. I laid on the left side on a firm pillow to move the rib enough for access to the spot. When the doctor was finished I asked if a biopsy was going to be taken where I felt the swelling and the doctor replied that the CT scan only showed the one spot. He then directed the tech to run the ultrasound over the area of swelling and then said that yes there was a small spot there. One plus one equals two spots.

Since April 30Th when the CT was done I have gained another spot. Dr. Patel (radiologist Dr. Patel not my oncologist Dr. Patel) said that he did not want to biopsy the liver in two separate locations on the same day, "it's not good for the liver". He added that we would get the results of the one biopsy and if needed go back and biopsy the other area.

Spots...I think it is not going to be mono. I think my aggressive HER-2 gene has kicked into high gear again. I think on Monday I will be discussing the chemo and radiation plan. I think I may be considered for the clinical trial of another drug that works on the HER-2 gene because maybe it will be considered that Herceptin did not work well for me after all. I think if I lose my hair this time I'm going to keep it really-really short until all the crazy curly hair has grown and been cut off.

I think I have been through this before (three summers ago to be exact) and I think, no make that, I know I have been blessed and will be blessed with all the resources I need to get through this again.

Not the Post I Had Hoped to Write

2009-05-12T21:41:00.000-07:00

I had hoped to write another positive post something like, "Yahoo, more good test results!"

Well, that was my thoughts but here is my reality; I am having a liver biopsy tomorrow. I found out today that the PET and CT scans show an enlarged liver thus the need for a biopsy. This weekend I discovered myself that my liver was enlarged. Well at first I did not know why my abdomen was tender nor why it felt firm but then I researched the internet and found out that where I felt the changes is where the liver is.

I have felt some tenderness of my right ribs for a few weeks and today I found out why - I have fluid in the right lung. Dr. Patel feels that the fluid is present because of the enlarged liver.

The good news is that I don't have cancer of the bones because honestly with the ribs hurting for the past few weeks the thought had crossed my mind.

I will have the biopsy results on Monday. So meanwhile here is what I am thinking, let's pray it is mono so I can write that "Yahoo!" post.

January 2009 - Scan Results

2009-01-28T20:59:00.000-08:00

It's official - I am 17 mos. cancer free!

Today I learned that the anniversary which really counts begins the month treatment is completed; for me it began August 2007 when I finished Herceptin.

The other bit of good news is that the tumor markers did not go up - they did not go down - but let's concentrate on the positive, the fact that they did not go up.

So what is next? Well, I am going to have an MRI of the low back, left hip, and hip socket; my low back has consistently been bothering me for several months. The fact that the tumor markers did not go up is reassuring - it is doubtful that the cancer has metastized to the bones. However, I was told today that I am a scary patient. Hmm, intellectually I am well aware of the odds - emotionally, well it is a little scary to be told by the professionals that your cancer is scary. But, as my nephew Josh would say, "It is what it is."

I am a scary patient because I am HER/2 positive, ER/PR negative, had a very small tumor yet had extensive spread to the lymph nodes. Yeah, that's scary. So, as much as I had hoped that I could move to scans every six months I will instead continue with the three-month schedule and monthly blood draws to check on the tumor markers.

I am not complaining....well yes I am a little bit because it is sometimes hard to forget about cancer and move on with life when "everytime I turn around" it is time for another test. But, I know that I am blessed to have a doctor who is aggressively watching over me and equally as blessed to have an insurance company that continues to pay the bills. God continues to answer my prayers with the answer I ask of him - good health and time with my family.

I am mindful that life is brief and that my life could quickly take another twist, turn, dip, and dive. I think often of Job who had it all and then lost his family, his health, friends and his wealth. I wonder if Job said, "It is what it is"?

It is what it is and I will not renounce nor blame God. It is what it is, Satan's way of tempting me to renounce and blame God in order to hurt God. Have you ever thought of that?

God made this perfect world, He called it "good". He also allowed free-will and along comes Satan who exercises his free-will and brings sin into the world ... for what purpose? What pleasure did Satan get from lying to Eve and Adam in order to tempt them to go against what God had told them? What pleasure or what pleasure did Satan hope to get from causing all the pain, sorrow and suffering of Job?

And today, what pleasure does Satan get when a little child is abused; when someone is murdered; when another life is wasted because of alcohol or drugs; when families are split apart; and need I go on?

Perhaps not pleasant, but some things to think on.

January 2009

2009-01-07T21:38:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry, I never did write about the MRI experience nor the test results. The results were fine - I have a cancer free brain. The experience was fun but that's because a brain scan takes only a short time. The tech said that some scans can take as long as two hours - lying still with loud noises for two hours would definitely be a greater challenge.

Next week I am scheduled to have the quarterly scans - PET and CT and the following week I will see Dr. Patel for the results; three months goes by quickly.

Tonight I updated my profile with a photo taken this past October of me with my three beautiful grandchildren. The chemo hair is gone; my energy has completely returned; and the chemo brain fog has left - it is time to show the "healthy" me.

I've Been TPA'd

2008-10-15T21:33:00.000-07:00

No, the house has not been toilet papered but my port has been TPA'd ( tissue plasminogen activator) or another way to think of it is that I've had "draino" inserted into the port and now the clog has been dissolved and port is unplugged.

The exact name of the drug used was Activase and it is the same drug used for stroke victims to dissolve a blood clot. The drug is actually an enzyme/protein that we already have in our bodies to naturally dissolve blood clots. In some circumstances, such as stroke or a blocked port, we need far greater quantities of the enzyme. Now get this amazing fact, the manufactured drug is a man-made protein using DNA technology and the ovarian cells from the Chinese hamster. Is that not amazing? If you want to read more, the best source I found is at http://www.medicinenet.com/alteplase/article.htm

The procedure is to inject the drug into the port and 30 minutes later attempt a blood draw. Since the insurance approval for the brain MRI was received I had the drug injected and then moved along to have the MRI and when that was finished the draw was attempted but it did not work. So, the drug was inserted again and I relaxed for another 30 minutes before the next draw was attempted - again there was no blood.

The drug can be left in the port for up to two hours ... it took one hour and 54 minutes before the port began working and we finally got a great blood draw. Whether the blockage was a blood clot or a small fiber produced by my body we don't know. Sally, the nurse conducting the procedure, was confident the port was otherwise working properly because the port and line accepted the injection it just would not allow a draw.

I will admit that for one long moment I had to do some tough self talk. It went something like, suck it up Jan you have come too far and have gone through far tougher things to let this simple problem make you freak out. The truth is I hate, hate, hate needles and all the poking and flushing today was a challenge for me. I also let my mind fast-forward for a minute ... I went through this surgery last month to have the port replaced and now the dumb port won't work and now I will need another surgery. Good thing our mind has rewind and erase buttons because I certainly needed them today.

The end result is that I survived another challenge and increased my knowledge - not a bad thing at all.

Now as for the Brain MRI, wow that was something else. I found it to be an amazing experience and I actually had fun with it but, it's late and this post is already long enough so I will write about the experience tomorrow.

Test Results = The Happy Dance

2008-10-14T17:06:00.000-07:00

I am almost 31 months cancer free and I'm doing The Happy Dance! Last week I had a slew of blood tests as well as the quarterly PET and CT scans; I received the results today and they were good!!

If you remember the post from three months ago the PET scan showed inflammation of the lymph nodes under the left arm and in the left side of my chest however the CT scan, which was taken the day after the PET, had good results. The inflammation along with another rise of tumor markers (blood test results) were worrisome for both Dr. Patel and I.

Today Dr. Patel was all smiles; the PET scan indicated that the inflammation of the lymph nodes was very little. Either I was slightly sick three months ago when I had the scan or the inflammation might possibly be related to lymphoedema which I do have at times (I personally think this is what the PET scan is picking up). The CT scan results were also good.

The blood test results were mostly good - all indications were that bone, kidney, and liver function were great however once again the tumor markers were up. Over the last few months the tumor markers have gone up but they also went down before they again went up. The markers are still below the "worry level" but it is a mystery as to why the markers are fluctuating.

Breast cancer metastasises to the lymph nodes, brain, lung, bone, liver, and the original site of the cancer. We know I had local mets to the lymph nodes near the tumor so the potential of it returning to the lymph system is high thus the concern three months ago when the PET scan indicated lymph nodes with inflammation and the elation today at finding the inflammation was almost gone now. The PET and CT scans also look at the lungs, bone, and liver - the absence of any findings along with positive function results from the blood tests indicate that these organs are cancer free.

So, that leaves the brain which leads to the only test I have not had - a brain MRI with contrast. As a precaution I will have the MRI as soon as my insurance approves it. The good news is that if anything is found it will be found early (I have absolutely no symptoms).

Am I worried? No, I am not worried; I physically feel too good to believe that at this time I have cancer growing within me again.

Am I fearful? Slightly, I have had cancer once and I think I will always to some degree be fearful of its return. Most of the time I am too busy fully enjoying and appreciating each day of my life so the fear remains pushed to the back of my mind. In fact when I express fear I usually surprise myself - today when I received the test results my first reaction was to dance around and hug Dr. Patel (hopefully I did not hug him too tightly!). My second reaction was to begin crying; not sobbing - just a gentle cry - my eyes filled to the brim and then slowly large tears trickled down my cheeks. I knew then that even though I felt physically well, I had been fearful of the test results.

I think it is okay to be fearful as long as it does not interfere with living and truthfully a little dose of fear is actually good for us - it will make us slow down and carefully think through the situation and our choices. I have however watched fear rule and ruin lives or at least make people very miserable. I am determined to not let fear of cancer ruin the life that I do have afterall, it could be a car accident that takes my life instead of cancer. That car accident could be tomorrow - what a waste if I let fear of cancer ruin my life today.

Oh yes, the new port worked "beautifully" last week but not today. They think it may be plugged so I go in tomorrow to have a drug injected into the diaphram of the port to disolve whatever may be plugging it then 30 minutes later a blood draw will be attempted again. If that does not work then the procedure will be repeated and if that does not work I will be sent for a dye test. I am about to learn something new again.

Out With The Old And In With The New

2008-09-13T19:22:00.000-07:00

I had surgery yesterday and now have a Bard SlimPort implanted in place of the old port. I have the instruction manual and a medical alert identification card in case the product is recalled; I think I also have a new scar.

As far as surgeries go it was easy, I went into the operating room at 10:15 and was home by 12:30. I can move my arm more today and this evening I am pain free - I have discomfort but no pain. The worst was late yesterday afternoon and evening when I had a headache and felt nauseated. After hugging the porcelain bowl for a bit the headache eased and I felt better. That certainly felt familar - following most of my chemo infusions I would throw up once during the evening and then feel better.

I have faithfully used an ice pack and have taken motrin to keep the swelling reduced. I have been good to myself and have rested today. Randy as usual has taken very good care of me. Tomorrow the transparent bandage can come off, the steri-tape stays on but I can take a real shower and I am looking forward to that.

I am once again reminded of how powerful the mind is, of how accustomed we can become to something that once would have seemed impossible.

http://www.bardaccess.com/port-mri-ultra.php

Now I know

2008-08-29T19:10:00.000-07:00

This morning I received a call from Dr. Patel - he had just spoken with Dr. Phillips to inform him that he wants the port replaced. I made the right decision after all!

So kind and considerate is Dr. Patel; he wanted to personally speak with me because he wanted to assure me that his decision was not based upon test results that indicated my cancer had returned. Rather, his decision was in consideration of my comfort and the practicality of using a port for the tests I continue to have each month and quarterly.

The fact of the matter is that monthly blood draws are more comfortable if the blood is drawn from the port and I would much rather use the port for the contrast dye injection during a CT scan.

Maybe I will never need the port for anything else and if not, then I will not have lost anything.

Next week I should hear from Dr. Phillip’s office to be scheduled for the surgery consult followed by the actual surgery.

I Dun-no-oh!

2008-08-28T20:17:00.000-07:00

When my grand daughter Madison was little she loved to play hide and seek at our house. She would hide in the pantry, the shower, under and behind furniture, and in the closets. I would count out loud and as I headed out to find her I would always call out, "Where's Madison?” her precious response would always be, "I dun-no-oh!”

There are just some things in life that without a doubt you know you will never-ever forget ... I dun-no-oh is high on the unforgettable list for me.

As for my port, I dun-no-oh! I arrived on time at the surgeon's office with the intake forms completed and the check for the co-pay already prepared.

I waited only a few minutes then was called in for the usual blood pressure, temp, and weight. I waited a little longer in the exam room and then the surgeon spent about three minutes in the room with me. First of all, he said he liked my last name; then he looked at the port and knew immediately it was not his work; he said he knew the surgeon who put in the port; and then he asked me if the port was being removed or replaced.

My first thought was to say, "Are you kidding me? That's what I've been trying to find out myself!" However, being the "in-control" person that I am I did not speak those words.

OK, OK, but would you be sarcastic with the guy who will hold the scalpel over you? I mean come on; I don't want to make him dislike me!

As politely as I could I responded that I had not seen Dr. Patel since the dye test but that I was assured by the staff of both offices that the two doctors would communicate and then he (the surgeon) would inform me of what Dr. Patel wanted. Nope, the file contained the reports of the two dye tests but no directive from Dr. Patel. But he says, "Oh come on, we'll just take it out".

I took control ... I put the brakes on ... I got off that runaway train ... "It's not in my best interest to potentially go through two procedures. I really want to know exactly what Dr. Patel wants to be done before we move forward.” I say.

Three minutes, I was with the surgeon for three minutes and then I was back at the front counter. I will be called and scheduled for another $25 co-pay (consultation) after the two doctors communicate.

This afternoon I left a voice mail for Dr. Patel's medical assistant. I received a voice mail from her shortly before 5:00 - she had not heard from the surgeon's office but she thinks Dr. Patel wants the port removed and not replaced. I'm back full circle, I dun-no-oh!

On the bright side, I got an extra hour of sleep this morning and had no physical discomfort - today was a good day.

Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;

for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

James 1:19-20

Do not let kindness and truth leave you;

Bind them around your neck,

Write them on the tablet of your heart.

You will find favor and good repute

In the sight of God and man.

Proverbs 3:3

To Be or Not To Be ... In Control That Is

2008-08-26T21:00:00.000-07:00

So you think you are in control...? Have you ever driven home - the same route you always take only to at some point come to the realization that you don't remember some part of the drive? Were you in control?

You plan the week's dinner menus and the shopping list only to arrive at the grocery store and find out that the stock of _____ is not fresh and that blows two of the dinner menus. Are you in control?

You are an excellent employee but the promotion is just not happening. Are you in control?

Your appointment with the client is at a specific time however, the client shows up 20 minutes early or 20 minutes late. Are you in control?

Things happen all the time that cause us to alter our plans and really, the only thing we can consistently control is our self - our reaction, our emotions, our thoughts, and our words.

I have practically no information about my leaking port ... the only information I have is that this Thursday at 9:00 AM I have an appointment with a surgeon.

One of my co-workers had her port removed in the surgeon's office. One of the ladies in my support group had hers removed in the surgeon's outpatient surgery center.

Another member of the support group planned to have her port removed in the surgeon's office but instead it was removed in the outpatient surgery center. AND, then the line to the port snapped off from the port as it was being removed and then coiled in the vein leading to her heart. She was sent to the hospital to have the line removed through the major artery in her groin! YIKES! For six hours in recovery heavy pressure was applied to the groin to insure that the artery did not bleed. Her choice was to remain in the hospital overnight or to be accompanied home and watched over for the night. Her recovery was not from a simple incision.

Will my port be removed or will it be replaced? I have no idea - I can't find out. The oncologist's staff says that he will have informed the surgeon - the surgeon's office say they don't know but they are sure the oncologist will have informed the surgeon. OK, I say and then ask the surgeon's office if they know if I am having a consult or if the port is being removed that day? After all, it would be good for me to let my supervisor know if I will be in to work that day. Of course, the staff does not know ... that is the doctor's decision. I try another tactic; if the port is removed on Thursday will I feel like going to work? After checking with another person in the office I'm told that it would be entirely up to me. I give up ... the only control I have is to arrive for the appointment on time with the forms completed.

Oh yeah, I'd better find those forms ... and leave a little early for the appointment because after all I will have no control over traffic that morning.

Funny How Things Happen

2008-07-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

I started the day at 8:30 meeting with Kim at CBCC to have my port accessed and then I headed in to work for a couple of hours. The last thing I expected was to return to work after having a couple of days off only to leave again for a medical procedure but oh well, the procedure is being done at Truxtun Radiology which is only a few blocks away from work and last week the very same procedure only took a few minutes.

Funny how things happen … it turns out that Truxtun Radiology has four sites and after arriving at the site closest to my work and by the way the site where the test was performed last week, I find out that the test today is at the site which is the farthest away from work.

Funny how things happen … my appointment was for 11:50 and I was not called in for the test until 1:15. I cannot complain though because I was 15 minutes late due to my assumption of the location.

Funny how things happen … last week the radiology doctor removed the port access however, today the radiology doctor did not remove the access which meant I had to return to CBCC for the removal.

What should have taken approximately one hour, instead took two and half hours. It was very frustrating until I returned back to CBCC for the access removal and, funny how things happen … I saw my friend Donna who had been there since 8:00 am for the first of eighteen chemo treatments (3 days of chemo followed by three weeks off and repeated six times).

By the way, today’s test results were exactly the same as last week’s … the port is leaking.

Test Results - I've had worse

2008-07-13T21:48:00.001-07:00

I've been staying with my three grand kids and two grand dogs since last Tuesday while the big kids are in Missouri for the wedding of one of my nephews. In addition, a friend from high school was visiting with us for several days; it was great catching up with Dee and she was a tremendous help around here.

As of this moment the kids are settled in their parents' bed watching a movie and the dogs are resting contentedly as well so it seemed a good time to begin and possibly even to finish this post.

From the title of this post you may have guessed that my test results were not what I was hoping for. The results were not necessarily bad but they were not great either. However, let me repeat myself, I have had worse results and so I am very thankful the results I did receive.

First of all, the PET scan indicated swollen lymph nodes on the left side of my chest. However, the CT scan which was performed the day following the PET scan did not pick up a problem and Dr. Patel did not find swollen nodes during the physical exam.

So, what does that mean? The first question Dr. Patel asked me is if I was feeling sick on the day of the PET scan - according to him possibly I was fighting off something. Forty-eight hours prior to the exam you are to refrain from lifting heavy things, exercising, or any strenuous activity. My forty-eight hours started on a Saturday - I remember focusing on the diet restrictions which began twenty-four hours prior to the test but I do not remember focusing on the physical activity. I usually clean house and shop for groceries on Saturdays so hopefully that is what caused the swollen lymph nodes.

Nothing else caused worry on either of the two exams so I can reason away the swollen lymph nodes however, the blood tests indicate that my tumor markers are up. According to Dr. Patel the threshold he has set is very low and I should not worry - it is just something for him to watch. Hm mm, I really prefer the appointments where he walks in smiling and pronounces me the picture of health.

Here is a little blurb from breastcancer.org concerning tumor marker tests:

But these cancer markers, unlike the more reliable "PSA" test for prostate cancer, have limitations. For example, a marker test that registers normal does not prove that you are cancer-free, nor does an elevated test prove that you have progression or recurrence of cancer.

The PET scan and tumor marker results mean that I will continue to have the monthly blood test to check the tumor markers and every three months the PET and CT scans will be repeated. I try not to think of all the radiation my body is receiving from the scans ...

I'm not sure if I mentioned on a previous post that during the port flush in June I experienced a burning sensation. Last Tuesday I told the nurse about the experience before she began to draw blood through the port; she was a little concerned so instead of first drawing blood she tried a small port flush. The burning was sharp and immediate, this time there was no doubt that something was wrong with the port.

Following the exam with Dr. Patel I was sent to Truxtun Radiology for a dye test to see if the port was leaking. The first problem found was that the line from the port was kinked and the port had to be "manipulated" in order to straighten the line as much as possible. It was both interesting and eerie to watch this on the screen. According to Dr. Williams who performed the dye test, the line from the port was too long for me and there was too much movement in the line which allowed it to twist and kink. Once he moved the kink out the iodine was injected into the port and an immediate "stain" appeared - a black ink spot surrounding the line. Yep, the line has a hole in it.

Tuesday the 15th I will return to CBCC to have the port accessed and also return later that morning to Truxtun Radiology for another dye test. Evidently the additional test will determine if the port also needs repair. At some point I will be referred to a surgeon - at this point it seems as though Dr. Patel would like for me to keep the port and the only decision is if the port can be repaired or if it needs to be replaced. I should know more later this week.

My job right now is to focus on the positive ... nothing has changed and that is a good thing.

It's Not About Me, But Rather My Friend Donna

2008-07-03T18:46:00.000-07:00

If you have followed this blog from the beginning and have read the posted comments you will recognize Donna as one of my cheerleaders. I met Donna shortly after I was diagnosed with breast cancer - her friend Jim was one of my business associates and he linked the two of us together because Donna is a survivor of breast cancer.

Donna cheered me on through treatment and provided valuable information that helped me through that time of my life. Over the past couple of years our relationship has grown into a friendship because we have other things in common such as our love for God and our families.

Recently Donna had a check up and as a result of some findings she also had a lung biopsy. Today she received the biopsy results - the good news is that the breast cancer has not come back however, the bad news is that she has developed lung cancer. This is a brand new cancer - it is not breast cancer that has metastisized to the lungs.

Donna will soon begin a six-month course of chemo - three days of chemo followed by twenty-seven days off. If needed radiation will be added to her treatment plan.

It is my turn to be Donna's cheerleader - I hope and pray that I will be as effective and valuable for Donna as she was for me. I know that her faith in God will sustain her and that her peace will be because she knows He is her number one provider and cheerleader.

I look forward to reporting to you in six months that Donna is also a SURVIVOR of lung cancer - two for two! In the meantime, please keep Donna and her family in your prayers - in addition to two adult children, she and her husband have two younger children and I know that your prayers will mean a lot to the entire family.

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave a footstep in your heart. - Eleanor Roosevelt

June 2008

2008-06-30T19:38:00.000-07:00

Can you believe that today is the last day of June? Considering that it is I thought I'd better get busy and write a post for this month.

Does a cancer survivor ever stop wondering if “it” has come back? This month my low back has been bothering me – it does that occasionally but this was the longest flare up I have had in a few years. After a couple of weeks the thought did cross my mind – maybe the cancer has spread to my bones.

I think what started these thoughts is that I worked on files for employees who had been granted a disability retirement for … yes, terminal cancer. And a retirement application was brought in by two daughters - their mother was dying of cancer and in fact she died less than one week after I met with her daughters and accepted the application.

There is more … a woman in my HER2 support group has been cancer free for several years but at the beginning of June she was diagnosed with breast cancer in her remaining breast. This is not a recurrence - it is a brand new cancer; this time her cancer is Estrogen positive and it is not HER2 positive.

And finally, I had blood tests last week, a PET scan today, and tomorrow morning I will have a CT scan. I am a little anxious although I truly believe that the test results will be good.

Yes, my mind did wander a bit this month but I spent only a little time dwelling on the negative thoughts - instead I focused on listing all of the many blessings.

Another month has gone by – another month of blessings.

Relay for Life

2008-05-03T22:45:00.000-07:00

Meet my little buddy, Dylan – we are celebrating our Survivors’ Lap around the track at Relay for Life. After a year-long grueling course of treatment for Ewing’s Sarcoma Dylan’s parents yesterday received the results of follow-up tests and Dylan is officially CANCER FREE!

Walking the Survivors’ Lap today was a wonderful experience and I am so glad that I participated in the Relay this year. With contributions from family and friends I was able to add $856 to our team’s total of more than $11,000. Tonight at the Luminary Ceremony it was announced that as of noon today the event’s contributions had totaled 1.6 million dollars!

What an honor it was to be a part of today's event - the first lap was a sea of purple and I was one of those survivors in a purple t-shirt.

The Picture of Health

2008-03-27T19:20:00.000-07:00

Well it is official, Dr. Patel has pronounced me the picture of health and gave his congratulations for reaching two-years cancer free! The results of the CT Scan and blood tests were good - no evidence of cancer or even a suspicion of cancer. Furthermore, the BRAC 1 and 2 tests were negative - I do not have the inherited gene. Needless to say I've been doing the happy dance!

As if the appointment did not already have good news it got even better. Dr. Patel explained that each year I am cancer free gives me greater odds of beating cancer again if it should come back. I like hearing the odds are increasing in my favor.

This week I met for the first time with the HER2Sisterhood - a local group of women who also are HER2 positive. If you have been following this blog from the beginning you may remember that shortly after I found out that I was HER2 positive I wrote about this group of women and specifically mentioned one of the women, Germaine (May 1, 2006 "Never despair; but if you do, work on in despair"). Germaine was one of the original women in the clinical trials of Herceptin about ten or eleven years ago. Reading about Germaine gave me such hope and I have been carrying her around in my heart for two years. Imagine how I felt meeting Germaine this week - it was quite an honor to meet her and to tell her how much she meant to me. The group meets once a month for dinner and is joined monthly by the representative of the company that makes Herceptin - could it get any better?

It has been a good week, I hope it has been for you also.

Catching Up

2008-03-20T21:40:00.000-07:00

I have not forgotten my blog - I frequently write posts in my mind however finding the time to physically write the post has been difficult since I started working again and with the addition of two family members in our home.

Happy two-year anniversary to me! The two-year dates are all around me - last week was the two-year mark of finding the tumor, in a couple of days it will be the anniversary of having the tumor removed, and a few days later I will celebrate the anniversary of the "big" surgery. Yahoo - two years!

Next week I see Dr. Patel and will receive results of the CT Scan and blood tests that I had today. I will also receive the results of the BRAC 1 and 2 tests that I had a few weeks ago. As far as the CT Scan results - I feel too good to be worried. As for the BRAC 1 and 2 genes - well who knows? If I am positive then it is just another phase of treatment for me - a big inconvenience but one that I can get through. However, if I am positive we will all be concerned for my daughter until she is tested. I think that I probably will not be positive - from what I have read few women are. I will write a post as soon as I know the test results.

I changed the blog layout tonight and lost the links and widgets - oops, rats, and oh well! I have copies of the blog so hopefully I can reconstruct what was lost.

I feel like I have completely recovered from the treatment for cancer - my energy is good; I rarely have a "chemo-brain" incident; and my hair is finally growing in straight. Sometimes I even go days without remembering that I once had cancer. It is amazing at how accustomed I have become to having a port in my chest and the loss of a breast - it is my new different but yet normal body. I am completely blessed to be loved by a man who also believes that it is my new different but yet normal body.

Speaking of blessings - I continue to count my blessings every day and therefore I rejoice in each and every day that I have. To quote David, "my cup runneth over".

I am going to close with something borrowed from my friend Donna, "Be blessed for you are a blessing to me."

March 2008

2008-03-02T15:46:00.000-08:00

I have reached the point where cancer is no longer in my daily thoughts. I feel great and I think that I look healthy. My hair is longer and finally I can blow dry it straight, in fact I think it is time to replace the picture in the About Me section. What a great feeling ... that is the best words I can come up with right now.

On the 15th it will be two years since I discovered the tumor.

Happy New Year

2007-12-31T19:12:00.000-08:00

I am blessed to end 2007 with an "all-clear" report from Dr. Patel; the PET scan, Tumor Marker blood test, and annual mammogram all indicate that I am tumor free. Dr. Patel said he predicts a healthy 2008 for me.

On January 10th I am scheduled to meet with the geneticist to determine if I should be tested for hereditary genes - BRAC 1 and BRAC 2. As far as first-line blood-related females there was only my mother and she did not have breast cancer; however, all three blood-related maternal and paternal aunts had breast cancer.

Randy and I do have a big change in our lives - our household has grown. We were able to convince my father and oldest brother to come and spend the winter with us with the hope that they would decide to stay permanently. My brother is disabled and so my 80-year old father was caring for a mentally and emotionally four-year old in a 60-year old man’s body – it was time for my father to have some help.

I believe that they truly are here to stay – two weeks ago Randy and my dad bought matching recliners for the living room. Dad is great about loading and unloading the dishwasher and when something is not in its right spot we just search the other drawers and cabinets knowing that eventually he will learn where everything goes. Both he and my brother are great about making their beds and keeping their rooms clean and Glennis helps to clear the table every night. We have all settled into a cozy and companionable routine and it feels completely normal that both of them are here with us. I am blessed to have a husband who willingly opens his heart to share our home and I am very happy that my grandchildren will get to know their Papa and Uncle Glennis.

My brother Glennis is a perpetual child – in order to understand him you must ignore his physical age and remember where he is developmentally; he is a young child with the same basic needs as any other child. He wants to know that he is cared for and that he is important; he receives this assurance through communication both verbal and non-verbal - he wants to be smiled at; he loves a pat on the shoulder or even better yet a hug; and he wants and needs human contact – he wants eye contact and to talk with people and for people to talk with him. As any parent knows, having a young child around 24/7 is not always easy and the same is true with my brother.

From as far back as I can remember I have always felt that it could have been me – I could have been the child my parents had who was born with birth defects. And as an adult, I am very aware that at any time I could suffer an injury or other debilitating condition that would require the type of care my brother needs. My brother keeps me humble and he reminds me to keep life simple – I take care of him like I would want him to take care of me if our roles were reversed. My brother is another one of life's blessings for me.

Blessings

2007-12-11T21:58:00.000-08:00

Here are some interesting quotes and/or thoughts I found about blessings.

A newspaper subscriber commented: Since reading that report, I've made a conscious effort to recall my blessings nearly every hour. Instead of dreading the drudgery of cleaning house, I express gratitude for my home. I've found so many things to be grateful for, little things like running water and electricity. A few weeks ago, I complained because my knees ached; now I say how grateful I am that I can walk. I think it's important to express our gratitude out loud. The positive focus on gratitude has pushed out of my mind the negative thoughts that were dragging me down. Unknown

We once visited in a beautiful home just at sundown. We looked out of the large window and remarked what a magnificent view they had with the setting sun. "Oh," said our host, "why, that happens so often we don't even see it any more." I wonder how many of us are like my friend is with his view of the sunset. We have so many blessings that we never take time to look at them or count them. Unknown

How many times do we miss our blessings because they are not packaged as we expected? Unknown

Our prayers should be for blessings in general, for God knows best what is good for us. Socrates (469 - 399 BC)

It is good for us to think that no grace or blessing is truly ours till we are aware that God has blessed some one else with it through us. Phillips Brooks (1835 - 1893) Source: Sermons. Purpose

Our real blessings often appear to us in the shapes of pains, losses and the disappointments; but let us have patience, and we soon shall see them in their proper figures. Joseph Addison (1672 - 1719)

The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.
Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983)

Source: http://quotes.zaadz.com/quotes/topics/blessings?page=3

Tests, Tests and More Tests

2007-12-11T19:53:00.000-08:00

I love my new oncologist - Dr. Ravi Patel - and I am very blessed to have him.

First of all it is important to say that Dr. Patel has told me that the chemo, radiation, and biologic treatment I received was exactly what he would have prescribed. Before I even began treatment I had researched the recommended courses of treatment and chemo options for my particular type of cancer and I had concluded that I would be receiving the most aggressive course of treatment. It is good however to hear another oncologist confirm the treatment.

What I love about Dr. Patel is that he is not going to stay within the follow-up protocol. He said that he feels that my cancer was so aggressive that we cannot afford to only run tests every six months to one year. Therefore, I will have CT and Bone Scans every three months and I will see him for a physical exam every six weeks. Additionally, every four weeks when I go in to have a port flush blood will be drawn and checked for tumor markers.

So, once again I received a blessing when I have experienced something that I thought was not good. What I mean is that I really loved not working but I had to go back to work in order to have insurance because eventually my time on COBRA would have ended. Because I went back to work I had to change insurance companies and I really did not want to do that because it required that I change oncologists - my first doctor was through an HMO. But, if I had not have gone back to work I would have stayed with COBRA and therefore the HMO for probably another year. The HMO was great for the treatment portion but the follow up care could not compare with what I will be receiving. So, if you followed this you will understand what I mean about the blessing ... doing something I did not want to do resulted in something that was much better for me. Seems like I have heard something like this from my mother! Ha

Furthermore, Dr. Patel is referring me to a geneticist; if I meet the statistical threshold I will be tested for the inherited genes BRAC 1 and BRAC 2. If I test positive for either one of these genes I face an increased risk of the cancer returning - either to the remaining breast, the uterus or ovarian cancer. To decrease this risk the prescribed course of treatment would be the removal of the breast, uterus, and ovaries.

In late November I had a CT and Bone Scan and everything looks great. I especially loved hearing and reading the results that the lymph glands look good. The flip side of these tests is that you find out other things about your body such as my left hip is in bad shape and I have kidney cysts. But hey, I've faced worse.

Earlier this month I had a mammogram, PET Scan, and a blood test to check the tumor markers; I will be informed of the results later this month when I have the six week check up. I am a little anxious to learn the results of the PET Scan as it is a test that examines metabolic changes in cells and is therefore highly effective in identifying cancer cells. I balance my anxiousness with a dose of common sense - if the PET Scan detected cancer cells I would have been called with an appointment to see Dr. Patel sooner rather than waiting until later this month.

I continue to count my blessings every day ... I hope you do as well.

Fifty Is Good

2007-10-16T19:04:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I thought I was going to my daughter's for a small family gathering to celebrate Madison and Jackson's birthdays. Instead, when I walked in the door I heard, "Surprise!" - family and friends had gathered to celebrate my 50th birthday. Can you tell I was surprised?

I am so grateful and blessed to be having another birthday. Cancer does change your perspective about many things - even about growing older. Every year that I grow older is one more year that I have beat the "Big C" and another year that I have had with family and friends. This is my second birthday cancer free - I am both 50 years old and two years free ... Happy, Happy Birthday to me!

PS We did later that afternoon celebrate Jackson's 5th birthday and Madison's soon to be 8th birthday. Thanks my dear friend Dick for the birthday party pictures. And one more good thing about being 50, I get to move to the front of the potluck line at the Millwee's!

August Flew By

2007-09-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

I started working again and the month of August flew by. It was not physically hard to go back to work but it was emotionally and mentally tough. I was sad that I could no longer have long daily phone chats with April or see the grandkids anytime I wanted. It was also difficult to once again have my mornings start with an alarm clock.

I am very happy that I found a great job with the County as a retirement specialist. The work is interesting and it is strictly an 8 to 5 job. I spent so many years working more than forty hours a week that this job seems cushy. Most importantly, I have very good health and retirement plans.

Speaking of health, last week I had a check up and the test results were good - no sign of cancer. I am officially 18 months cancer free! Unfortunately the County does not contract with Kaiser and I now must locate a new oncologist. It was very, very sad to say good-bye to Dr. Risbud and the oncology nurses. I hate good-byes anyway and these were particularily difficult.

Perhaps you have heard that after chemo hair may grow in differently. I have written about the change of color - I have less auburn hair, more brown hair, and a lot more gray hair. At first it was difficult to see so much gray but it became easier as it filled in with brown and auburn hair; my husband thinks it looks like I have had it streaked. Of course I am one of those lucky women - my husband thinks I look great no matter what. Most of the time I am ok with the color but what I am not comfortable with is how wavy and thick it now is. Even with gel, paste, and hairspray my hair is so wavy and uncontrollable that I feel shaggy. It was so bad in the mornings that I felt like a rooster - this uncontrollable wavy mass sticking out all over my head! So, I have had it cut twice and the second time I had it cut much shorter and thinned. It is easier to manage now. I remember when Donna told me that being bald was easier than having bad hair days - oh how right she was!

I am learning to live life "after cancer". I have the physical reminders - the changes of my body, some slight problems with lymphodemia, and of course the changes with my hair. Everyday I have the reminder of what I have survived - everyday I have the reminder of how blessed I am.

July Update

2007-07-27T14:06:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of Madison, Jackson and me with Hagrid during the event at Borders for the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. You may be able to tell that Jackson was a little unsure of getting this close to Hagrid; he felt some better when Madison and I told him it was a guy dressed up in a costume just like at Halloween.

I had signed up to be one of the first to receive the book but it required that I be at Borders by 11:00 PM. I was not sure if we really could stay up that late but I am so glad that we did - it was another memory made.

(A quick note about my hair: It looks as if I have had it streaked with gray, auburn, and brown. It definitely is time for a hair cut - it has grown back with curls and waves. I've tried gel and paste but it is out of control unless it is wet!)

Another memory made this month was a trip to see family in Missouri. April, the three little kids, and I flew to Tulsa where we rented a car and drove a couple of hours to my father's home. During our twelve-day trip we celebrated my father's 80th birthday, enjoyed great fireworks, went to the zoo, and had a great time with family. Madison expressed it well the day before we left to return home, "I'm glad to be going home but in two weeks I'm going to miss Missouri."

All three kids were great travelers! Here are some pictures of the girls on the return flight home - both boys are asleep.

Herceptin infusions are also now a memory - I had the last infusion two days after we returned home. Dr. Risbud and I agree that the port-a-cath will not be removed yet, so every four to five weeks I will go in and have the port flushed with Heparin to prevent a blood clot from forming.

The idea of completing treatment is still a little scary but I am learning to be more comfortable with it. I was due for a check up in July but by the time I returned from vacation Dr. Risbud was leaving on his vacation. The check up has been scheduled for early September.

In addition to blood tests, I would love to have CT and Bone Scans because I want to be told, "There is absolutely no sign of cancer cells in your body." I do realize that I could hear these very words and then be in a fatal car accident on the way home or, even a short time later have cancer cells begin to develop. I know that none of us have a promise of more than this moment but I still want to hear those words. I'm normal, I want as much good news and any guarantees possible.

Shortly after my diagnosis last year the following poem was sent to me by Janice. Our daughters are friends and Janice is a 10+ year survivor of breast cancer.

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited ...

It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot destroy peace,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot suppress memories,
It cannot silence courage,
It cannot invade the soul,
It cannot steal eternal life,
It cannot conquer the spirit.

I really appreciated Janice's card and her thoughtfulness of including this poem; I have read it many, many times. It is true that ultimately cancer may shorten my life; however I get to control the most important aspects of my life.

I have heard other survivors express that they felt the same after completing treatment, "What now?". We spend so many months focused on surviving the treatment only to realize that we are afraid to no longer have the drugs fighting for us.

My next journey is living life after cancer, I'll keep you posted on the progress!

As always, thank you for checking in on me and don't forget to play the Glad Game today.

Birthday Video

2007-07-15T21:16:00.000-07:00

I scanned old photos and with a lot of help from my son-in-law Bret, created this video for my father. You may need to click the arrow twice for the video to start playing.

Happy Birthday Dad

2007-07-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

My daughter, three grandchildren and I returned home last week from visiting family in Missouri. Here are some pictures from my father’s 80th birthday party.

June 21, 2007

2007-06-21T22:13:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of my granddaughter Madison receiving a reading award. She loves to read and in fact, she earned the highest first grade AR score at her school this year – 70.5 points.

Almost two weeks ago I took her to an event at the library to kick-off their summer program; it was a combination magic and puppet show to interest kids in reading mystery books. Madison decided that she wanted to join the reading program – she only had to read ten books and then she would receive one free book from the library. She started the program that day by checking out three mystery books.

Two days later she had read all three books and was ready to check out more. This time Jackson joined us; he checked out five books and Madison checked out seven more mystery books. She finished the seven books quickly and was excited to turn in her reading list. On Monday afternoon the three of us made another trip to the library. Jackson turned in his books and I helped him to find more; he is learning to select books that appeal to him. Madison turned in the reading list and watched as the librarian placed check marks in all the columns beside her name. She was excited to pick out her free book but perhaps a little disappointed that the none of the books to select from were mysteries. However, she hit the jackpot and found lots of mystery books on the shelves - she checked out fifteen this time!

I was telling my dad about our library adventures and he said that it reminded him of a little girl a long time ago – me. He would take me to the library and I would check out as many mystery books as my arms could carry; I think I read every Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys mystery written.

For a while my family attended a congregation in Armona, a small town in the San Joaquin Valley. One night another family invited us over for dinner and the teenage son, Rodney, got stuck entertaining my younger brother and I. That night my world became much larger – Rodney read a Hardy Boys mystery to us. It was the first time I was introduced to reading for pleasure and I was hooked.

I eventually moved on to Agatha Christie books – M. Poirot and Miss Marple; perhaps my favorite is Ten Little Indians but then again there is the Orient Express. Today I love to read the Lord Peter Wimsey mysteries by Dorothy Sayers and then there are the Richard Jury books by Martha Grimes and of course I cannot forget to mention the Amelia Peabody books by Elizabeth Peters. Yes, I do love to read mysteries.

It seems to be very popular now to combine cooking adventures with a mystery. Perhaps the first author to do this was Diana Mott Davidson with Goldie the caterer who keeps finding dead bodies. These dead bodies cause Goldie a lot of heartache but with enough espresso she carries off her catering events and even discovers the murderer. Not too long ago I read a few chapters about two new characters – Art and Dru – and as soon as my friend’s book is published I’ll tell you how you can get the book and join their adventure.

I do read other types of books; in fact, I usually am reading two or three books at the same time. Right now I am reading Crazies to the Left of Me – Wimps to the Right by Bernard Goldberg; Why Bad Presentations Happen to Good Causes by Andy Goodman & Cause Communications; The Crossword Connection a mystery by Nero Blanc; and of course the Bible – I’m doing a topical study right now and have been reading in both the Old and New Testament.

I usually have a book stashed in the trunk of my car – one that I read a long time ago. You see if my car breaks down I won’t be bored while I wait to be rescued because I will have a book to read. Last night Madison arrived at the restaurant with a book and for a short time she read while eating – she has discovered the Boxcar Children Mysteries by Gertrude Chandler Warner.

I doubt that Rodney could foresee the future that night he was stuck with two little kids to entertain. But because of him, I have climbed the world’s highest mountains (The Seven Summits by Richard Bass and Frank Wells); visited quaint villages in England with Miss Marple; and have gone on archeological expeditions in Egypt with Amelia Peabody and her husband Emerson. I have tried a few great recipes from Goldie; found out that I am a Communicator, Activator, Learner, Wooer and a Maximizer (Now, Discover Your Strengths by Marcus Buckingham & Donald O. Clifton, Ph.D.); and have discovered the real meaning of love and life by reading the Bible and applying myself to following God’s plan for His creation.

I think I will ask my dad if he remembers Rodney’s last name and then try to locate him so I can say thank you. One act of kindness – or perhaps it was one act of obligation - what adventures that one act led me to...

By the way, I am doing great! Today I had the next-to-the-last Herceptin infusion. I’ve been having fun with my grandchildren - we have of course gone to the library a few times, we have picked berries at a farm, and have had a couple of picnics. The pictures of our berry picking adventure are posted at: http://jrenays.photoblog.com/ (if you look at the column to the left and find “Links” it is listed as Jan’s Photoblog). If you look at the pictures you will see how much my hair has grown out. In March I used hair gel to try and fluff the hair - to make it appear as though I had more hair. Now I use the gel to tame the curls and even that does not always work! ha Initially it appeared as though I would have mostly grey hair but as it has grown and filled in the color is a mixture of grey, auburn and brown.

I’ve been learning a little about web design and I am working on creating a cookbook for my personal use – a collection of family recipes, pictures and stories along with other recipes I have collected and use frequently. Who knows, it might lead me to eventually create something for publication.

We may never fully know the impact we have on someone’s life – it is a little daunting to realize that isn’t it? Just thinking about it makes me want to be very, very careful. The casual encounters we have with people could make a difference in someone’s day. So, tomorrow remember to smile at the next person in line, hold open the door for another person, and give a heartfelt thank you to the wait person who delivers your food or refills your beverage.

I read something the other day about a person who arrived at the drive through window of Starbuck’s to find out that the individual in the vehicle before them had paid for their coffee because the person in front of them had paid for their order. Think of how you would feel if you were the one to arrive at the window and someone had paid for your latte. Think of how fun it would be to start it out … you be the one to first pay for someone’s coffee. That’s right, no one will be paying for your coffee but your gift will be knowing that you treated a complete stranger and who knows what that person might do throughout the day because you did something kind for them.

It is good to think about individuals who have made a positive impact on our lives – it makes me feel humble and I think that all of us are at our best when we are humble.

Having Fun

2007-06-14T16:22:00.000-07:00

Create Your Own PaloozaHead - Visit Lollapalooza.com

June 15, 2007 - Lollapalooza's website is down, hopefully the video clip will be available when their website is back up. Jan

May 2007

2007-05-12T23:30:00.000-07:00

One year ago this past Thursday was my first chemo infusion – A+C – quite the potent stuff. A relationship with chemo is a love/hate relationship; you love the drugs because of the hope they can offer and at the same time you hate them because of the side effects. My nephew Justin sent an email this week with a link to an article about a new method to deliver chemo drugs using nanotechnology. This technology would allow delivery of the drugs directly to the cancer cells thereby reducing the dose of the drugs and potentially much of the side effects. According to the article, the Australian biotechnology firm hopes to begin human trials later this year. Here is the link if you would like to read more: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070510/sc_nm/cancer_australia_dc.

Speaking of drugs, during the Herceptin infusion this week the oncology pharmacist stopped by for a brief visit and according to her I have only three more Herceptin infusions. The last infusion should be on July 9th and sometime during July I will also have blood tests and a check up with Dr. Risbud and possibly a MUGA scan to check on my heart as well.

It is a little scary to think about going off of Herceptin. When I find myself feeling worried I stop and remember that the odds may be different for me now but really that has not changed anything. Think about it, before cancer I only had the guarantee of life for the moment I was living it and after cancer nothing has changed - I have that same guarantee.

Throughout the book of Ecclesiastes King Solomon relates his attempt to understand life. Here is what he had to say about the odds, “I again saw under the sun that the race is not to the swift, and the battle is not to the warriors, and neither is bread to the wise, nor wealth to the discerning, nor favor to men of ability; for time and chance overtake them all.”

This week I was given the best compliment I have ever received - I was told that I looked as if my soul was at peace. I highly recommend the advice of my beauty advisor - King Solomon, “I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil – this is the gift from God.”

Each day is a gift from God, have you said thank you today? “It is good to give thanks to the Lord, and to sing praises to Thy name, O Most High; to declare Thy loving-kindness in the morning, and Thy faithfulness by night.” Psalm 92:1-2

A Good Checkup

2007-04-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

This week I had a three-month checkup with Dr.Risbud my oncologist. My lab reports were good, the results of the physical exam were good, and I am tolerating Herceptin; at the end of the visit the doctor said, "I am very pleased". My next Herceptin infusion is on the 16th and the next checkup is in three months. According to Dr. Risbud I will continue to have a checkup every three months at least through the end of 2007 and probably will have a MuGA scan after the completion of Herceptin. The scan will be compared with the one taken before I started Herceptin in order to determine if the drug has caused any damage to the heart muscle. I don’t believe that it has so I am not worried about the test. In fact, if I have any worry it is about going off of Herceptin – but hopefully my HER2/neu genes will have their act straightened out by that time. The good news about having breast cancer is that there are so many drugs to battle and manage the disease.

You may be wondering what I am doing with my life now. Well, I have prepared my resume and have been thinking about what type of work I would like to do now. What I definitely know is that I want to keep Kaiser as my insurance company so that I can continue as a patient with Dr. Risbud. Years ago when I worked directly with clients I would ask them to complete a cost-benefit analysis when faced with a difficult decision. I’ve been working on my own analysis and I’m close to finding the answers to all my questions. In the meantime, I have been enjoying every day doing a little of this and little of that; my days are totally peaceful and I am very content.

Ok, here is another “one-year ago” story:

This is a picture of Alonzo and I taken at his going-away party on March 18, 2006 - three days after I found the tumor. Alonzo and I worked together at Alliance for many years and then he decided to pursue life and happiness in the beautiful state of Washington.

This is a picture taken last Easter - it was just a little more than two weeks after my second surgery. I had already cut my hair to prepare myself for when it would fall out during chemo. I remember how determined I was to not miss this holiday with my family. I went to church services and while the rest of the family stayed for class April took me to her home so I could lay down and rest.

And finally, this is a picture that Jack took of Connor and I a couple of weeks ago. If you keep in mind that over this past year I have also been bald - it's been a year of changing hair styles for me!

Last year at this time I think I was still experiencing some shock at what was happening to me and I know I was experiencing a great deal of fear. My fear was of the unknown - what I would have to go through to live. At that point I felt that I was untested - pure shock got me through the surgeries and stay in the hospital and from that point on I learned to put one foot in front of the other.

It has been a year of learning and growing for me - a time of testing - and at the same time a year of receiving every blessing I needed to face the challenges. It's been a good year.

Thanks for checking in on me and until the next time, don't forget to appreciate each day.

Happy Anniversary .... to Me

2007-03-16T16:29:00.000-07:00

That's right it has been one year since I found the tumor in my breast. It is likely that for the remainder of 2007 I will be thinking, "One year ago ...". So here goes the first couple of thoughts....

Last night I thought, "One year ago tonight while having a late dinner with Randy I found the tumor". I have no idea why that night I laid down my fork and touched the tumor just as I have no idea how I had not found the tumor earlier.

Today I have been thinking, "One year ago today was the first appointment with a doctor." And, tomorrow I will be thinking "One year ago today I had the mammogram and ultrasound."

So much has happened to my family and I over this past year and you know what, I would not change a thing and if I had to live this year all over again I would.

There have been some very tough times - but we made it through them and we have learned how strong our faith really is. If I were to write a book I would title it, When the Rubber Meets the Road.

We have had prayers answered and have received many blessings. I have renewed friendships with people I had not been in contact with for many years and I have made new friends. I have not worked in almost a year yet I have had an income (sick leave, vacation, and state disability).

And hey, I have a new hairdo - I doubt that I would have been brave enough to cut my hair this short. Here is a picture of Randy and I taken a couple of weeks ago during our cruise. Check out how healthy I look in comparison with the photo I posted on 4/25/06. One thing you should know is that I was really worn out when the picture was taken of me with the grandkids because just a few days earlier I had been up all night at the hospital with Bret and April when she was in labor with Connor. I probably had not fully recovered from the all-nighter but I do remember thinking that I did not look well when I saw the picture. As it turns out I probably was not well and the cancer was already there.

I need to stop for now because the grandkids are on the way over and the two oldest are spending the night. The timer for the homemade blueberry muffins will be going off any minute and the roast is smelling wonderful. Life is good and I hope it is for you also.

Herceptin Number Eleven

2007-02-14T20:41:00.000-08:00

Herceptin infusion number eleven was this past Friday and by Sunday I was having side effects. I started feeling a general weakness by Noon and a short time later I began to feel muscle weakness and pain in my right thigh. Within a couple of hours my left thigh felt the same and my arms felt heavy and weak so I took ibuprofen and spent the rest of the day in bed.

I experienced a little bit of a Déja Vu feeling; the all-over weakness reminded me of how I felt sometimes when I was on chemo. Fortunately by Monday I was only experiencing slight pain in the right thigh and knees.

I’ve read bulletin postings on www.breastcancer.org and www.her2support.org the side effects I experienced have also been experienced by others. There is comfort in knowing that I am not imagining these symptoms but even greater comfort on knowing how effective Herceptin has been for so many women. I love this part of the welcome message on the her2support.org site: When this website was launched on December 24 2001, the breast cancer patient who was HER2 positive was pitied and the only thing that their oncologist told them was “your cancer is aggressive and your prognosis is poor.” Recent advances in treatment has reversed this outlook and now we live longer and enjoy a much better quality of life than ever before.

I am grateful for the internet – I have been able to research everything related to breast cancer, my treatment, and nutrition. And of course, it is the internet that has provided me this opportunity to have a blog and email. I also use the internet frequently for a dose of inspiration and happy, positive thoughts. Here are some of the web sites that I frequent:

http://www.darynkagan.com
http://www.motivatingquotes.com
http://hubblesite.org
http://www.thehappyguy.com

Oh, how could I forget…the internet is a great way to find a recipe and menu ideas! My favorite website is http://www.foodnetwork.com.

Thank you for checking in on me, I hope that each of you are well and fully enjoying each day that you have. I will leave you tonight by sharing one more website with you, it is for kids but this big kid is a fan of Shel Silverstein and since laughing is healthy for us I recommend this site to you also: http://www.shelsilverstein.com

Happy Valentine's Day - Tomorrow

2007-02-13T23:17:00.001-08:00

The word happy...well it got me to thinking about happiness. In a post I wrote several months ago I mentioned that I would write some thoughts about having a positive attitude. I have never written that post but here is a start on it.

Having a positive attitude consists of several things one of which is the state of being happy. Here is a question for you, does happiness result in being positive or does being positive result in happiness?

I think being positive is one essential ingredient of happiness. Perhaps for one to attain happiness it takes several ingredients - is there a recipe for happiness?

The listing for happiness in Wikipedia a free online encyclopedia is: Happiness is an emotional or affective state that is characterized by feelings of enjoyment and satisfaction. As a state and a subject, it has been pursued and commented on extensively throughout world history. This reflects the universal importance that humans place on happiness. Well I guess that is why a Google search of the word happiness resulted in 67,300,000 hits.

Alternative words for happiness listed in a thesaurus include, contentment; pleasure; gladness; cheerfulness; joy; and delight. And, each of these alternative words has a list of their own alternative words. Among these words, contentment means something to me and one of its alternative words – satisfaction.

I find happiness in being with my family; and in activities like cooking, eating, and shopping; and it made me very happy to see a beautiful sky this past Sunday following Saturday evening’s rain. But tonight I am thinking of the deeper meaning of happiness not things or events that bring temporary happiness to us.

Can one achieve true happiness without also being positive, satisfied and content? How can people facing dire circumstances be happy?

In addition to these questions I have posed to you, I will leave you with some of my favorite quotes.

Proverbs 15:15b … the cheerful heart has a continual feast. And 17:22 A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. Denis Waitley

Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have. Anonymous

Many persons have the wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose. Helen Keller

It is not the place, nor the condition, but the mind alone that can make anyone happy or miserable. Roger L'Estrange

Many people think that if they were only in some other place, or had some other job, they would be happy. Well, that is doubtful. So get as much happiness out of what you are doing as you can and don't put off being happy until some future date.
Dale Carnegie

...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Paul, Philippians 4:11-13

January 20, 2007

2007-01-20T18:38:00.000-08:00

I left for Missouri on a very good note - I received results from lab tests during my checkup with the oncologist on the 2nd and the results were that everything is looking good. For now it appears as though surgery, chemo, and radiation have done their job. With continued Herceptin infusions I hope to continue doing well.

The burns have grown a lot of new skin, are smaller, and I have only a little discomfort. I have a one month checkup with the radiation oncologist next week.

It was great to see my father and family and I enjoyed our time together very much. The days passed by too quickly as it always does. We spent most of the last few days at my brother and sister-in-law's home without power due to the ice storm. Below is a picture I took of a tree laden with ice and if you are interested in viewing more pictures of the ice storm I have them posted at http://jrenays.photoblog.com/. Fortunately Holland and Nancy have a natural gas hot water heater and fireplace so we were all comfortable. It changed our plans but we had a lot of time together so I cannot complain. In fact, I feel guilty that I had such a good time because the storm was devastating for so many.

My new friend John is having a bone marrow transplant next week so please keep him and his family in your thoughts and prayers. My friend Margaret, who was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after I was, has also finished chemo and radiation and she is doing well. And, another friend Lisa is getting closer to being completed with chemo. There are a lot of us around ... the only good thing about that fact is that we have an instant connection. We can look into each other's eyes and know instantly that we are connected ... words are not necessary.

My medical disability will end in about three weeks so it is time for me to start thinking about finding a job. At this point what I know for sure is that I want to keep Kaiser insurance, I want a job with fewer responsibilities than I had, and I want to work with happy and positive people. Hmm, I wonder what insurance Starbucks offers?

In the meantime, next week I will be volunteering for the Homeless Census Count and I am looking forward to being with my colleagues again. I also have a lot of things I want to accomplish around home since I am feeling better. I plan on enjoying the last few weeks of disability and practicing the many lessons I have learned.

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.
Only through experience of trial and suffering
can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired,
and success achieved.

~ Helen Keller ~

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T21:06:00.000-08:00

I learned how to take better care of my burns and they are well on their way to being healed thanks in part to my dear friend Dana who is a nurse. Each week the two larger burns become smaller and feel better. Medically speaking, the largest and most painful burn was probably not a real “wound” but it felt like that to me and so I called it as I felt it.

Some people who read this blog are, or will be, receiving radiation so I want to briefly provide some information for them – the rest of you may wish to skip this paragraph. First of all, use the Radia Gel or 100 percent Aloe Vera Gel with a drop of lavender oil every day beginning on the first day of radiation. If burns develop and you are told to use a lot of triple antibiotic, the translation of “a lot” is gobs and gobs because you must keep the burns moist - you do not want the burns to develop scabs. I am fairly sure my burns would have been less painful if I had understood earlier how to care for them. After applying gobs and gobs of the antibiotic ointment cover the burns with non-stick pads (I like Curad brand the best). (A couple more notes about the ointment – unless you use gobs and gobs of the ointment even the non-stick pads will stick and pull when you change the dressing. Save yourself some money and buy the store brand of triple antibiotic.) Use plastic wrap (yes, plastic wrap from the kitchen) to just cover the non-stick pads in order to protect your clothing from the ointment that will squish out – I learned the hard way that the ointment will not wash out of every type of fabric. I also found that the bandages were further held in place by wearing a small t-shirt or camisole. Change the bandages twice a day and bathe the burns once a day. When you bathe daily, place a drop of liquid soap (something gentle like Dove or Johnson and Johnson’s Baby Wash) in a clean glass from the dishwasher and fill it with tepid water. Gently drizzle the soapy water over the burns then rinse the cup and fill it with clean water to drizzle over the burns as a rinse. One final note, if you can take ibuprofen do so as it will help to minimize the inflammation and keep you more comfortable.

Now on to other thoughts – our holidays were wonderful and I hope yours were also. I could not help but to feel very blessed because if I had not been in treatment for cancer I would not have been disabled and instead would have been working and preparing for the holidays. Instead, I was able to enjoy every moment spent baking and shopping and for the first time in years I was not the last in line at the Post Office sending off packages to my family in Missouri.

As I reflect back on 2006 I do see it as a difficult year but mostly I see it as a year of more blessings than I have ever known. Cancer has given my family and me grief but at the same time we have by far received more blessings among which has been the opportunity to learn and grow. Just in case you are wondering, yes I am very much human and I do very, very much wish I had received these blessings and learned the lessons in a much easier way – but it happened as it happened and it is my job to make the best of it and carry on in a manner that brings glory to God. Therefore, my one resolution for 2007 is to keep it simple - remember and apply what I learned in 2006.

Last Friday I received a Herceptin infusion and am happy to report that there were no side effects. Tomorrow I see the oncologist for a check up and the result of blood tests that I had last week. I am leaving on Thursday to spend a couple of weeks with my family in Missouri – it has been a year since I have seen most of them and I am looking forward to our time together. I will return home on the seventeenth - in time for another Herceptin infusion on the nineteenth of January.

Thank you for once again checking in on me and I wish each of you a happy and healthy 2007. Philippians 4:8 “…whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.”

I Have Completed Radiation!

2006-12-19T18:56:00.000-08:00

Below is a picture taken today following the last radiation treatment. Arlene has been one of my radiation therapists from the beginning and Jesse became my second radiation therapist a couple of weeks ago. Lori and Shannon at various times were also one of my radiation therapists but they were not around today when the picture was taken.

I have seen Arlene five days a week for about seven weeks and even though it has been for only a few minutes each day she has become very dear to me. I will also miss seeing others who were there for their treatments and their spouses. In some sense we became a support group for each other.

With chemotherapy completed and now radiation I am very hopeful that all microscopic cancer cells have been totally eliminated! I am further hopeful that continued Herceptin infusions will stop my HER2/neu gene from over expressing.

I am very thankful that I have health insurance and the opportunity to continue receiving these benefits through COBRA. Through October the cost of three surgeries, chemotherapy, and prescriptions for steroids and anti-nausea meds totaled almost $49,000; not included in this total are costs for numerous lab tests, prosthesis, x-rays, CAT and Bone Scans. The radiology cost through November is $31,000. The cost for Herceptin infusions alone is $3,300 and I have one infusion every three weeks. Additionally I am very thankful for the State Disability checks that I have received twice a month since May.

Continuing with this theme of thankfulness – I am thankful that it was only the last two weeks of radiation that have been tough and that in two to three weeks the burns will be healed. And I am very, very thankful for RadiaDres Gel Sheets, Neosporin, and ibuprofen that help me to be more comfortable. I have several small burns under my arm and scattered over my chest and I have one open wound in the middle of my chest that is approximately 1.5 inches wide and almost 6 inches long. The treatment for the burns is to keep them covered with a very thick coating of Neosporin and then covered with a RadiaDres Gel Sheet to hydrate the wound. Last week I increased my intake of ibuprofen to every six hours during the hours I am awake.

I will end this post with Pollyanna’s “Glad Game” - I am glad for the physical pain that I feel today because it means that a treatment was available for my cancer.

Ta-Dah!

2006-12-11T22:40:00.000-08:00

The movie below was originally a slide show that was created by a thoughtful person who emailed it to others...who emailed it to others... and eventually it reached me via my friend Margaret.

The tah-dah is that I learned tonight how to turn a slide show into a movie and post it on YouTube so that I could upload it to this blog. It has taken a few hours for me to do this and unfortunately I could not figure out how to include the music that was a part of the original slide show but.... ta-dah - I learned something new!

Perseverance...my mother use to tell me it was pure stubbornness. Whatever you want to call it I'm glad I have plenty of it. It helps me to stick with tough stuff like chemo, radiation, and learning how to turn a slide show into a movie.

I hope you find the movie as inspirational as I have but if you don't that is ok because ta-dah I learned something new today!

Email me at jrenays@sbcglobal.net if you would like for me to send you the original slide show - the picture quality is better and it does include the music.

November 29, 2006

2006-11-28T18:47:00.000-08:00

Monday I received good news from Dr. Davis the radiology oncologist – I have only eight more full sessions and the boosts are expected to be no more than eight. This is good because my chest is becoming “lobster red” and I have three small blisters. My underarm is more purple than red now and I have had a small amount of discomfort that ibuprofen and the gels have not completely eliminated. It's not bad and I still consider radiation far easier than chemotheraphy.

Everyday I am amazed that I still have my energy. For so many months the energy would return only be taken away again by another chemo infusion. I am truly grateful and filled with joy to be feeling good.

Thanksgiving

2006-11-24T18:30:00.000-08:00

The afternoon before Thanksgiving was busy at our house. April and I have come up with a few verses:

‘Twas the afternoon before Thanksgiving and all three were at my house.
Letting Connor in the pantry kept him happy and quiet as a mouse.
Madi frosted the cookies and Jack washed the dishes.
They each told me their long list of Christmas Day wishes.
By the time they leave my mind and house are in a state of disarray.
But that does not stop me from planning our next date to play.
We had another fun day together the three kids and me.
The next time they come I think we’ll make ornaments for the tree.

These pictures also help to tell the story:

Thanksgiving Day was filled with family, friends, and good food. I hope your day was also.

Last week all of my energy returned and it is good to feel like myself again. The cumulative effect of radiation has reached me and my skin has changed from pink to red. I have a very large red square on my chest and a thin rectangle of red that runs underneath my arm and down a few inches on my side. My neck and collar bone area only look tan. So far the ibuprofen and gels are keeping me comfortable.

I know that it is going to get tougher but I will get through this just as I got through chemo - one day at time. Remembering to be grateful for today helps me to remain focused. After all, it would be a terrible thing to waste today when there is not a guarantee of tomorrow. "I know that there is nothing better than to rejoice and to do good in one's lifetime; moreover that every man who eats and drinks sees good in all his labor - it is the gift of God." Ecclesiastes 3:12-13

Thanks for checking in on me.

Catching Up

2006-11-12T20:51:00.000-08:00

I'm an early riser - or at least I was. For the past couple of weeks I have been struggling to get up, eat, shower, and be at the radiologist by 10:30 am.

I love the early morning...it is my quiet time for reflection, prayer, meditation, and inspirational reading. It has also been the time that I have written most of the posts for this blog. So now you know why I have not written a post - my inner clock has been topsy-turvy.

Around the middle of October I caught a cold or a virus that turned into something ugly. I was on antibiotics for a couple of weeks then off for about five days and I have just finished another round of antibiotics. I think this time I am completely well.

Even though I feel completely well I have had an irritating tickle cough that frequently interrupts my sleep (and Randy’s) and nasal congestion that comes and goes throughout the day and night. Furthermore, a few days ago I realized that the left side of my throat felt a little swollen. For several days I assumed that all of this was the tail end of my illness or perhaps it was allergies however as it has continued, both Randy and I could not help being worried. In addition to the radiation treatment on Mondays I also see a nurse and Dr. Davis the radiation oncologist. I had been debating with myself if I would speak with Dr. Davis about these symptoms – I did not want to complain about something so minor and at the same time I was worried he would tell me these symptoms were a sign of something not good happening within my body.

Fortunately yesterday I overhead another patient telling the doctor of similar symptoms and I also overheard a portion of his explanation. So, as soon as he walked into the exam room I told him what little I had overheard and what my symptoms are. The simple explanation is that I am experiencing a normal reaction to the radiation I am receiving to the neck. What a relief it is to have an explanation that is not scary! To manage the symptoms I can use either a decongestant or a cough suppressant as needed. Although the cough suppressant did not completely eliminate the cough last night it did help and as a result of sleeping better I did wake earlier this morning.

Today is radiation session number fourteen – I am half way through the first set of twenty-eight. Last week the radiation areas began turning pink however only one tiny area is slightly stingy. I have been alternatively using a prescription gel and a mixture of 100 percent aloe vera gel and lavender oil; both are very soothing and take away the sting. I am taking 800 mg of ibuprofen twice a day to help the inflammation and it is doing a very good job.

I have been experiencing occasional aches in my hips, knees, legs, and feet however the numbness of my fingers and toes is quite a bit better. All of this is the lingering effects of Taxol and I am told that it may last as long as six months from the time of the last infusion. I also have some fatigue and even though it is nothing compared to the fatigue associated with chemotherapy it is a little bothersome. I continue to set aside time for a nap each day and it seems as though if I rest up on Saturday I am good to go by Sunday and then dragging a little again by Wednesday or Thursday. I am hopeful that taking the cough suppressant and getting better sleep at night will result in less fatigue.

I have had several lunch dates over the past couple of weeks with friends, most of who were business associates, and have very much enjoyed catching up on their business news and sharing the news of our mutual families. Most importantly, Randy and I have had a lot of time with Madison, Jackson, and Connor.

On Friday of this week I will have another infusion of Herceptin – three weeks has gone by quickly. I’m having lunch with a friend tomorrow and am looking forward to a visit with another friend who lives out of state and was a client of mine many, many years ago. I have found maple and oak leaf cookie cutters and am making plans to celebrate autumn with Madison and Jackson by baking and decorating cookies.

Last night our nephew Daniel, who recently moved back home to Missouri, called to tell us that his friend had died in a car accident just a few hours earlier. Witnesses reported that Chris swerved to miss something and his truck rolled down an embankment. In an e-mail today my sister-in-law Nancy was reminiscing about the night Chris was born. Nancy said that she walked up the country lane through the snow to the home of his parent’s and then went with them to the hospital. Chris was nine months younger than Daniel and they grew up together, in fact they were planning to move in together since Daniel had returned home. We just don’t know when something is going to happen – an accident or a serious illness. Don’t waste today – appreciate your blessings, be as good as you can be, laugh several times, and tell at least one person that you love them. To help you get started appreciating your blessings here is a picture of a bee feasting on some wildflowers that are growing in our yard.

Saturday Was a Wonderful Day

2006-10-29T21:31:00.000-08:00

I cannot say enough about how wonderful it is to be finished with chemo and to be feeling good. Yesterday Randy and I had the kids over for the afternoon and we had lots of fun. First we hung the ghosts out front that we had made earlier in the week. Then we made Halloween cookies and while they were in the oven baking we took a break on the porch swing with a sucker.

Later we invited our neighbor Rose over to help decorate the cookies. The decorating recipe is lots of colored frosting and sprinkles to produce many giggles and smiles.

The day ended with a Halloween party at the home of friends. It was a perfect day and we are blessed to have had it.

Proverbs 17:6a "Grandchildren are the crown of old men" I think they are the crown of young grandmas too!

Thursday Was a Busy Day

2006-10-28T00:00:00.001-07:00

First radiation at 10:30, at 1:00 pm the first solo Herceptin infusion, and then later I had my wig trimmed. I have yet to wear the wig but winter is coming and I may need it. I will need a passport for our cruise in February so I will definitely wear it for the passport photo!

For the Herceptin infusion I pre-medicated at home 30 minutes prior to the appointment with 650 mg of Tylenol and 50 mg of Benadryl. The actual infusion only took 30 minutes. As for side effects, well Herceptin can cause a variety of side effects but I only noticed mild insomnia Thursday night and minor body aches the following day. It was a breeze compared to chemo!

Here is a picture of my oncology nurse Rosa and me in my chair.

Radiation Treatments

2006-10-27T22:32:00.000-07:00

I am receiving external beam therapy from a linear accelerator. Here is a picture of the machine:

If you are interested the following website gives some very specific information about the linear accelerator http://www.radiologyinfo.org/en/info.cfm?pg=ebt

Simply stated, all seven of my areas have been mapped out and the dose information entered into a computer that operates the linear accelerator. The linear accelerator puts out high energy x-rays that are shaped exactly to match each area. The arm of the machine is called a gantry and it rotates around my body positioning itself for each area. When the gantry is above me I can see metal pieces moving to form different shapes as it moves to a new position/area.

A cone is placed on the end of the gantry for the two areas that receive electron treatment. You would think a cone would be cone shaped, right? Well it is not, instead it is a square metal frame and the template for each of the two areas slides onto the bottom of the frame.

Two radiation therapists work with me, throughout the treatment they work together to carefully check measurements and positioning. Both yesterday and today they too have used permanent markers to create dots, dashes, solid lines, and x's on my body. The first treatment they used blue and purple markers, today they used green and orange markers - my chest, neck, and underarm are now a colorful road map. They were so proud of their work that today they took Polaroid pictures - I'm teasing of course - the pictures were documentation of the treatment areas.

In addition I also officially have a tattoo - in fact I have three tattoos. I wanted hearts or flowers but the only choice was a dot so in the midst of my colorful road map I have three dots.

So, pretty much the treatment sessions move along quickly. Randy and I enter a side door which leads into a small waiting room with dressing rooms behind it. I remove my upper clothing, place them in a locker, and put on a gown. After changing I join Randy in the waiting room and usually have only a few minutes before the radiation therapists are ready for me. Randy stays in the waiting room drinking coffee and having a cookie, muffin, or pastry and chats with the other spouses. My time in the treatment room is very short - the therapists are efficient and although the delivery is not determined by time but rather by dose of radiation the time for each area is anywhere from about 15 to 30 seconds.

As of now my treatment plan is Monday through Friday with weekends off for a total of 28 treatments to all seven areas followed by a boost of 8 - 10 treatments only for the incision site which runs from almost the middle of my chest to under my arm. Two down and several more to go ... it is far less than the chemo treatment time. I will diligently apply the RadiaGel three times a day and follow the nutrition plan recommended by Dr. Davis as I count down the treatments. I will write about the nutrition recommendations on another post.

Catching Up and the Radiation Planning Sessions

2006-10-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

Over the past couple of weeks I have spent time with friends, business associates, family, and I even attended a women’s conference in Southern CA with some girlfriends. We have also said good-bye to Randy’s parents as they left to spend the winter in Arizona and our nephew Daniel received a transfer and returned home to Missouri. Sandwiched in between all of this I battled what I thought were allergies. Evidently I caught something because last week it became worse and I have been on antibiotics.

This week I had the second planning session for radiation and have had two radiation treatments. I am very impressed by how precise the planning is and feel that under Dr. Davis’ care I am in good hands. I will attempt to summarize and share with you the planning session experiences.

During the first planning session laser lights were used to align my body on the table which is called a couch. The alignment included positioning my arms over my head and tilting my head slightly to the right. Once this was completed Dr. Davis came in and marked two X’s and one upside down T on my chest with a black permanent marker. A transparency was used to trace these marks and other identifying areas such as the surgical scar. Polaroid pictures were taken to record the exact position of my body, arms, and hands. And finally, x-rays were taken of my lungs and heart (under the couch is a tray that holds the x-ray film). We then moved to another location for a CAT scan of the head and upper body; films were taken every 3 mil once the machine moved below my head. The total time of the first planning session was about one and half hours.

The x-rays and scans were studied prior to the second planning session which was on Wednesday of this week. The second session took place in the room where I receive treatments. First I was positioned on the couch; the couch is padded from my hips down and metal from the hips up. A sheet was placed on the couch so the metal was not cold and there was a head rest with handles to hold on both sides of the rest. I was further made comfortable with a bolster that was placed under my knees and was covered with a blanket from the warming oven.

Laser lights and the Polaroid pictures were used to align my head, body and arms exactly as they were during the first planning session. Once I was in position Dr. Davis came in and again placed marks on my body with a black permanent marker. The radiation technologists also added marks with blue and purple permanent markers. Another transparency was made to record the new markings and more Polaroid pictures were taken. And finally, a template was made for each of the two areas that will be receiving electron treatments.

During the time of positioning, marking, and the templates being made I was told that seven areas will be treated; five areas will receive photon radiation and two will receive electron. Photon radiation penetrates more deeply and electron less deeply. The two areas receiving electron radiation will be covered with a bolice during the treatment - it looks like a gel pack and simulates extra skin for these areas to further protect the lungs.

I think that pretty much summarizes the two planning sessions. I have been doing some research myself and found a terrific site if you are interested in learning more about radiology http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/radiation-therapy-and-you/page1

Cycle 8 : Days 6 - 12

2006-10-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I have officially survived all eight chemotherapy cycles...YEAH!

This time seemed so far away on the day of my first infusion - May 10th. I sat in the chair with everything new – people who I needed to trust to take good care of me … the crash cart in plain sight … an IV stand beside me with three bags of liquids draining through a tube into the catheter in my chest – one of the drugs a bright red … medicinal smells … instructions, reassuring and comforting words from Rosa my oncology nurse … oral medication to minimize the side effects and in liquid form injected into the IV tube … Oh yes, the end of chemotherapy seemed far, far away.

I am a firm believer of “fake it till you feel it” so, I faked my way through the first infusion and each time I made it through another infusion I became stronger. I grew to trust the people who wore the gowns, gloves, and masks before administering drugs that could save my life … the crash cart became a normal fixture that was more reassuring than scary … I relaxed enough so that the medication given to combat the side effects lead to pleasant naps that helped the time to go by more quickly … and the medicinal smells just became the normal smells of a comfortable place.

Headaches … nausea and vomiting …bloating and weight gain … hair loss … pervasive salty taste … extreme cravings … mouth sores and cracked lips … fatigue so severe that I would cry … bone and muscle aches … steroid hot flashes … and the other side effects all went away, or in the case of the hair loss I should say that it is coming back.

I would do it all again if I had to … I am grateful for the peace of God that has guarded my heart and mind … that he has taken care of all of my needs … that he is aware of my wanderings and has put my tears in his bottle and book (Philippians 4:7,19; Psalms 56:8) … and that you have been here with me every step of the way encouraging and cheering me on … praying with and for me … and doing your own good job of catching a few of my tears.

Randy and I met last week with the radiology oncologist. Tomorrow I have the planning meeting which involves a CAT scan and decisions as to the exact areas that will receive the radiation. I will write another posting later this week and give you the scoop. Thanks for checking in on me and listening while I reflect back on the past five months.

P.S. Other than feeling a wee-bit tired I am feeling good.

Cycle 8 : Days 1 - 5

2006-10-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

I awoke this morning with a heart that felt like dancing ... and then I got out of bed. I won't be getting out the dancing shoes just yet.

I now know the cumulative effect of Taxol. I have had days of intense pain - mostly in my legs. The pain began on the day after the infusion, Thursday, and increased over the next two days. I have been very grateful for the pain medication.

Yesterday was better and I suspect that today will be very much like yesterday - I need to stay down in order to minimize the pain. The muscles of my arms and legs seem to be weak and they are exhausted with little use. Walking or standing causes a deep rumbling from within my legs and feet that increases unless I quickly lie down.

My mind is less exhausted and more clear this morning - an indication that this time will soon be over. So ... today I will dance away in my mind and heart and that's not a bad thing because through my imagination I am the most graceful ballerina! Oh yes, it is where I can sing good too so maybe I will also do some singing today :)!

Cycle 7: Days 15 - 20

2006-10-03T21:42:00.000-07:00

It's me again ... the night before a Taxol infusion having my "steroid hot flashes". I do have a big smile on my face though because if chemo has done its job tonight is the last night that the "steroid hot flashes" and I will keep company. That's right, tomorrow is my final chemo - it is the BIG number eight!

I have done some more research and have learned a little more about Herceptin, the drug I will continue to receive every three weeks. I have learned that Herceptin is not classified as a chemotherapy drug but instead is a biologic treatment. It is an antibody made in the laboratory with the goal of stimulating the immune system to attack the breast cancer cells and to block HER2 cells from dividing.

I have also learned that a decreased appetite is one of the side effects and this explains why I am rarely hungry and must remind myself to eat. Food tastes great though unlike when I was on A+C so I'm not complaining.

Days 15 - 20 have been spent enjoying the company of family and friends and performing the simple things in life like grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning house. I have very enjoyed every moment!

Here is a thought I want to share with you tonight.....

Who would have ever thought a little girl from Gridley... Gridley is this little-teeny-tiny town in Northern California where we lived for a few years and I went to high school there. A part of me belongs to Gridley as much as I belong to the Valley. Occasionally when speaking about something I have accomplished Randy or I will start the sentence with, "Who would have ever thought a little girl from Gridley..." So the ending of the sentence this time is, "could tackle cancer and chemo head on." The point of this is to say that within each of us lies untapped strength - we are capable of far more than we realize even the very, very scary things.

My family and each of you have been a big part of my strength. I'm not sure there are words that can express how deeply I have appreciated your support.

My greatest strength has come from believing in the promises of God. No matter what happens I know that my future is secure. Philippians 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

There is more to tell you about where my strength has come from such as a positive attitude and my tips for how to get and keep it but that's a topic for another day. It is 11:00 PM and time for my final dose of steroids and then some sleep. Thanks for checking in on me and know that over the next few days my thoughts will be ....

Cycle 7: Days 8 - 15

2006-09-28T17:29:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling good for so many days it is hard to remember exactly on what day I had that "Yahoo!" feeling. It was either on the afternoon of the 7th or 8th day that I realized how much of my energy had returned. I know, I know ... (visualize here a BIG smile on my face) - that is the earliest ever!!

We had planned my brother's visit in case I needed to be taken care of while Randy was out of town on his hunting trip. Instead we got to enjoy each other's company and lots of good food - it was a perfect week. It did however turn out that I needed his help - to fix the washing machine! Here's a little tip...a rug with rubber backing that is peeling should not be put in the washing machine!

I was never a fan of bread pudding until our first cruise and I had Holland America's Bread Pudding with Vanilla Sauce. Recently I located Holland America's recipe and I tried it out while Holland was here. We both agreed that it was perfect! I have posted the recipe on my blog With Love, From Jan if you are interested in trying it out yourself.

Next Wednesday is the big one - my final Taxol infusion. Some people have asked me if I am going to do something to celebrate. I have some mixed feelings - while I am very, very happy to be done with Adriamycin, Cytoxin, and now Taxol I will continue to receive Herceptin every three weeks until August 2007. So, I will be done with the chemotherapy drugs that have made me feel so sick but the reality is that I will continue to receive chemotherapy every three weeks.

Continuing with Herceptin for so many months will be a constant reminder that I have had an aggressive cancer and I am still fighting to beat it. I do very much wish that cycle eight would be the last infusion. I have however determined to not allow this to become a negative for me but rather to use it as a positive. So, instead of feeling sorry for myself I am going to be grateful for the reminder I will have every three weeks of my many blessings. Considering how easy it is sometimes for us to forget the lessons we have learned I am one very blessed person to have this reminder!

That's some of my thoughts tonight. Oh yes, much to the delight of everyone who loves Randy's deer jerky he did get a deer on his trip.

Thank you for checking in on me and don't forget to count your many blessings today.

Here is a picture of Holland and I at Starbucks with Madison, Jackson and Connor before Madison's soccer game.

Cycle 7: Days 1 - 7

2006-09-19T14:37:00.000-07:00

By this time next week cycle seven will merely be a memory and I will be just one cycle away from completing this stage of the journey.

Last Wednesday Dr. Risbud informed me that not only were my white and red blood cells high enough for the infusion but that in fact they had climbed to “normal”. Additionally Dr. Risbud said that depending upon how I am feeling I can end isolation earlier for cycles seven and eight – more good news for me.

The overall flu like feeling was less with this cycle although the leg aches started earlier and were more intense however, like childbirth the memory of the toughest day has begun to fade. My mouth seems to be more irritated this time; I am likely to be contributing to this by continuing to eat food with a tomato base. All things considered, I will take Taxol and Herceptin over an infusion of Adriamycin and Cytoxin any day.

My oldest grandson Jackson has kept close track on the state of my hair. He regularly asks to feel my head and gives me a status report which usually has been, “still not growing”. This Monday after completing his examination of my head he said, “I’m proud of you grandma your hair is growing”. The hair on the top of my head is the longest and now feels soft and fuzzy. As for color, well the first thought that comes to my mind is wow I have a lot of gray and the second thought is ugh, that’s a mousy looking brown!

Randy is on his annual hunting trip in Northern California; he was able to go with peace of mind because my brother is here with me this week. I hope he and his hunting buddy Stan each get a deer this week and anyone who loves Randy’s deer jerky also hopes he gets one.

Here at home it’s all about food this week; I had banana nut bread fresh from the oven yesterday when my brother arrived. If you have read my brother’s comment about our mother’s banana nut bread on the With Love, From Jan blog you will know how fond he is of it. Last night we went to April and Bret’s for enchiladas and today our childhood favorite Me-n-Ed’s pizza is for lunch. I have located Holland America’s bread pudding and I am going to give it a try this afternoon; hopefully it will turn out just as good. Tonight it is cedar planked pork loin; tomorrow is beef brisket slow cooked for hours on the barbeque, and on, and on.

That’s it for now, I will write again in a few days – in between cooking and eating! Thanks for checking in on me today and may your week be filled with as much love and good food as ours is going to be.

Ecclesiastes 5:18 Here is what I have seen to be good and fitting: to eat, to drink and enjoy oneself in all one’s labor in which he toils under the sun during the few years of his life which God has given him; for this is his reward.

Cycle # 7 : Bring It On!

2006-09-12T21:57:00.000-07:00

After eight days of feeling good I am ready for tomorrow - infusion #7. I will get this one over with and then I will have only one more!

I have taken my first dose of steriods and am having the usual hot flashes. At 11:00 pm I will take the final dose of steriods and we will leave the air conditioner set a little lower to help me with the hot flashes I will have throughout the night.

I have my list made out of what I do to stay strong and positive - just in case I forget again and my jar of marbles is in a more prominent place as another reminder. I have not made the sign - but it is on the list in case I need to do that also.

I have added a photo to my profile. The photographer was Karla at Jadwin Photography and the photo was taken for the Breast Cancer Awareness Month publication in The Bakersfield Californian later this month. When I saw the proof I realized that I did want a copy as a keepsake of this journey I am on. The blog does not publish the picture in a size that allows for a good focus unless you click on the picture and then select View Full Size on the profile page.

Jadwin Photography provided the photos for the publication at no charge to participants and I think Karla did a great job. So, if you are in Bakersfield and looking for a good photographer I recommend Jadwin Photography.

I may not write a post again until some time next week after the side effects are over. Until then here is something for you to think about from Cooper Edens If You're Afraid of the Dark, Remember the Night Rainbow:

If the bus doesn't come ... catch a fast cloud.

Good Advice

2006-09-08T17:21:00.000-07:00

Good advice is all around us. Here is something sent to me by my friend Margaret who lives in Fresno and I think it is worth sharing.

If you have not read the post prior to this one, Cycle 6: Days 9 - 15 / The Twelve Days of Cycle 6 my recommendation is that you read it first and then you will understand where my head is right now and why I think the following is good to share:

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?” Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, “The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes". He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on".

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!”And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

* Never buy a car you can't push.

*Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well!! Just get up and dance!

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Simple illustrations can help us to learn and understand more about complicated issues - Jan

Cycle 6: Days 9 - 15 / The Twelve Days of Cycle Six

2006-09-08T15:31:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday morning, the 13th day of this cycle, I woke with that “Yahoo!” feeling. My energy was back and I have felt very good every day since.

With this Taxol cycle I had one good day following the infusion followed by several days of feeling like I had the flu and then immediately the fatigue began. For twelve days straight I did not have my energy and I was not prepared for this. I wrote on day eight that I was back to my normal self again. As it turns out I really was not, I only momentarily felt like myself and for the next several days I repeatedly would feel like I was ok only to realize that I really was not. Cycle 6 was not the most physically challenging however, mentally it may turn out to be my most challenging cycle.

A few months ago my friend Kelly, who daily faces her own physical challenges, gave me two books by Cooper Edens; If You’re Afraid of the Dark, Remember the Night Rainbow and If You’re Afraid of the Dark, Add One More Star to the Night (the emphasis is mine). These books pose whimsical problems of life and fanciful solutions which are also illustrated by the author.

Written inside one of the books is Kelly’s encouragement for me to remember a solution presented in one of the books, If you can’t find your marbles … enlarge the game. Well, at some point during the Twelve Days of Cycle Six I forgot that I even had any marbles. That’s how life is sometimes … I think I've got a handle on it and I stop being so cautious - then I get my feet knocked out from under me. To make matters worse, this time I forgot how to get up after being knocked down or to even ask for help in getting up.

Shortly after receiving Kelly's gift I purchased a bag of marbles and placed them in a jar with a few marbles that I already had. In addition, I shared some of my marbles with Kelly – just in case I lost mine and needed to borrow some from her. Of course I hope you know that marbles are simply a representation - a reminder of what I have learned and added to my life’s defensive game plan.

The apostle Paul wrote of this struggle, “For that which I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.” There is a lot of comfort in chapters 7 and 8 in the book of Romans – I think I will add frequent reading of these chapters as one of my marbles.

This week I moved my jar of marbles to a more prominent place. And, I certainly have added a new request to God that he help me to remember during the tough times.

I may create a large sign to hang as a further reminder; if I do it will read, "Jan, Do You Know Where Your Marbles Are?”

Cycle 6: Day 8

2006-08-31T20:58:00.000-07:00

I feel that I need to touch base with you and let you know that I am back to my normal self today. My friend Gene says that I am entering into the Spring of my recovery. I think that sounds so sweet and much nicer than saying I was dangerously close to being very cranky! I may need to remind myself if I begin to feel impatient and cranky again...I am in the Spring of my recovery. With images of Spring in my mind how can I go ahead and be cranky?

Cycle 6 : Days 2 - 7

2006-08-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, day three, I decided that chemo and childbirth are similar: both are bearable if you remain focused; at some point you need the care of others; and with your “eyes wide open” you willingly experience the discomfort and pain again.

I am very happy and thankful to report that prayers were answered and I was spared the intense headache! Most of Friday was ok; toward the end of the day I began to feel the flu like symptoms coming on. Saturday was the toughest day; Sunday was easier; and Monday was much better. I still have periodic pings, pangs, and aches in my lower legs and feet but it is less today than yesterday.

I did not experience nausea and I have not had any food cravings. I kind of miss the food cravings – it was something fun to laugh about.

Sometimes Taxol can cause numbness and tingling in the hands and feet; most of the time this goes away when treatment is finished. The tips of the first two fingers of my right hand as well as the thumb have been slightly tingly and numb for several days. It is not painful, debilitating, nor irritating so I will not complain.

I am in that in-between stage of mentally feeling like myself again but physically not quite at the same spot. This is a time when I really have to work at being patient. What I definitely do not like about Taxol is that by the time I feel good isolation has started.

I will write more in a few days; thank you for checking up on me.

PS After I wrote this post I went on to reply to an email from my friend Gene. I found myself writing some "truth" in the email and decided that I needed to come back and share this with you also.

I don't tell anyone, other than God, the total stinky truth about the mental and physical effects of chemo. Donna has gone through everything I am going through - if you have read comments from her on the blog you have probably already figured this out; Margie is a friend who is also a survivor and although she did not need to have chemo or radiation she has experienced a lot of what I have gone through and by continuing to attend a survivor's support group she is very savvy of the journey; and my brother Holland has a customer that has just recently completed chemo. Each of these individuals has told me what I needed to know when I needed to know it; there is something to be said about timing. Perhaps I am trying to protect you - just in case you someday find yourself in this spot although I pray that you will not. I would rather you have received an encouraging experience from my blog - you will have enough stress at that time without thoughts from my blog contributing.

I do know that I am also trying to protect myself - in order for me to remain focused and continue to believe that the glass is at least half full I must not focus on the negative.

With all that being said, I must admit that sometimes a burden that is shared becomes lighter. So here is the paragraph that I wrote to Gene, "I really want to say that I am ready for this ride to be done. I want my hair back. I want the lymphatic fluid in my arm to drain properly all the time so that the discomfort goes away. I do not want to be in isolation. I want the pings and pangs in my legs to go away. I want all of my energy back - NOW!"

So there...that is the truth about what I was feeling when I first wrote this post. I don't feel that way right now, in fact I feel so much better!

Another friend Randy H. reminded me a while back of a time when Elijah was very alone and afraid. God sent an angel to care for Elijah twice and then he himself spoke to Elijah. Randy's encouragement to me was to remember that God did not speak to Elijah in the great wind, or the earthquake, nor did he speak in the fire. Instead, God spoke to Elijah in the gentle blowing of the wind (I Kings 19).

After reading this post script I do not want you to worry about me. I know that I am not alone and I know that this moment of distress is temporary; not because it could be one of my three wishes to a mythical genie in a bottle but because of the very real promises God has made and the blessings he sends to care for me.

Thanks for listening to some of the hard stuff and be sure to take away with you all the good stuff you may have received from this post. And, make sure that if you think I am handling this so well or that I am some kind of a special person that instead you give the glory to God. He is the reason I am who I am - if it were not for my study of his word and my determination to live in a way that glorifies him I would be a different person and most certainly handling this time of my life very differently.

Cycle # 6 Day One

2006-08-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was infusion number two of Taxol and Herceptin and overall the start of cycle #6.

I slept through a good part of the infusion yesterday and that helped the long day pass by more quickly. (The infusion of Taxol is three hours and Herceptin is one hour, add another hour for seeing the doctor and infusion prep time.) In some respects the day is harder on Randy because his chair does not recline nor is he given a pillow and blanket warm from the oven.

The intense steroid hot flashes Tuesday night were fewer and less intense this time so I slept well. I did however wake up with a "steroid buzz" very early Wednesday morning and I finally had to take Tylenol PM in order to fall asleep last night - well really to fall asleep this morning at about 1:30.

I will enjoy today and prepare myself for the next few days of body aches that will probably begin tomorrow. Sleep is healing to the body according to my dear friend Dana who is an RN, so I will sleep through as much of the icky stuff as possible. My prayer is that I will not have the horrendous headache, swollen eyes and face but if I do, that it will be less intense than it was with Taxol #1.

I may not post again until next week when I am feeling better. Today I leave you with some thoughts about endurance....

"The manner in which one endures what must be endured is more important than the thing that must be endured." ~ Dean Acheson (1893-1971), American statesman from Plain Speaking: An Oral Biography of Harry S. Truman.

"I asked an endurance swimmer, "How is it possible for you to swim for twenty hours? What kind of mental attitude do you have?" She said, "I believe that the water is a friend. It wants to help me. It does not fight against me and I do not fight against it. We are working together." I often think of that when I am in the 'swim' of life. The waves and currents and the tides hit us all at times, and it is not always easy to say, "The water is friendly." It requires an act of faith, a volitional act; it means work, but most of all it requires a will to believe. The more we use this will, the more it becomes a part of us and the more natural becomes its application." Marcus Bach, author

Cycle # 5 Days 8 - 20

2006-08-22T12:47:00.000-07:00

In an earlier posting I wrote that I had worn hats several years ago, here is a picture of April and I when she was in the fourth grade and as you can see I am wearing a hat. In fact, I still have that hat, and a brown wool hat; a white felt one; a very warm leopard print hat that I bought to keep me warm on our Alaskan Cruise; my favorite denium baseball hat with paint speckles on it; another baseball cap; and even a hat with The Bakersfield Californian printed on it (I won some kind of contest); a fancy peach straw hat that I wore on Ladies Day at the Santa Anita Race Track; a cute little straw hat that my mother-in-law gave me; and a big floppy straw hat and a little black hat to match my swim suits, I bought both of these hats for the Caribbean cruise. Of course I had to buy new hats because all but two of the hats I had were for winter or did not cover my bald head! I need a hat rack now.

It is the day before Cycle # 6 - hooray, only two more to go after tomorrow! Well really, only two more of the general chemo drugs and their icky side effects and isolation - the plan is for me to continue with Herceptin until approximately August 2007 (see the 5/17/06 post for further information about Herceptin).

So let's see what is there to report....

For the most part Taxol and Herceptin are much easier than Adriamycin and Cytoxan; I did not experience nausea and the fatigue, so far at least, is far less.

The worst of the icky stuff was the facial bloating, eye swelling, and gigantic headache on the second day following the infusion. The body aches are icky too but much better than the headache. By the time the icky stuff is finished - my days before the start of isolation are almost up and that's icky too.

I pre-medicate with steriods the night before the infusion - whew, the hot flashes are frequent and intense! With the first infusion it was only on the night I took the steriods, hopefully that will be true for the remaining infusions. Speaking of hot flashes, another icky thing is that I am now in a state of chemically induced menopause. The good news is that the chemo drugs are doing what they are supposed to be doing - the bad news is that I have hot flashes every day and every night. I probably need to read up on calcium so I can eat calcium rich foods and supplement if needed to prevent bone loss. One thing leads to another.....

The fatigue started on the 13th day but by the 17th day it was much better. It has been nice to feel like myself for a few days before the next infusion. It makes me feel like I am emotionally and physically ready for tomorrow.

I think my taste is back to normal - at least the salty taste is gone and thankfully I never had the metallic taste. Food tastes good but my appetite is off a little; I have had to remind myself to eat.

My hair is growing back - I now have a fuzzy head of gray and auburn hair and my eyebrows and lashes are starting to fill back in. Randy tells me that the new growth has a lot of auburn hair, well that auburn hair must mostly be on the back of my head or love truly is blind! ha

My nephew Josh was here for a few days - he lived with us several years ago for about a year so it was a homecoming vs. a visit. Before I could call out "You're home" when he came in the door he called out "I'm home". Home really is where your heart is and it is totally possible to have more than one home. I have never lived in Missouri yet when I go to visit my family I always say I am going home. Josh has three homes with the primary being with his wife Deana and the kids, the next his parent's home, and then ours. Daniel will eventually have three homes too when he returns to Missouri and gets his own place. Oh yes there is no doubt that he will return, you cannot take Missouri out of those boys!

Well that's it for now. I'm working on a couple more postings - follow ups to the posting of 8/9/06. I have posted a couple of times to the With Love, From Jan blog. It seems as though my writing comes in spurts.

Thankfully I am doing very well! Thank you for your continued prayers, notes of encouragement, and for checking in on me.

I have a long hand-painted sign that for many years has hung over the arch between our dining and living rooms, I will close with its message: LIVE WELL - LAUGH OFTEN -LOVE MUCH.

Brief Note

2006-08-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

We have been busy with family - our nephew Josh has been here visiting (thanks Deana and kids for sharing him with us!).

I am feeling well however yesterday was the 15th day and I am a little tired. I will post something in the next couple of days.

Cycle # 5: Days 4 - 7

2006-08-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

The side effects of Taxol - bone and muscle aches - started at the top of my body and worked its way down. Friday was the first and worst day of side effects - a horrendous headache; swollen eyes and face; and upper body aches. On Saturday the aches moved to the low back, hips, and thighs. And yes you guessed it, on Sunday the aches were focused on my shins, ankles, and feet. There are still some mild lingering aches around the lower half of my shins, ankles, and feet – sometimes I barely notice these remaining aches and for some reason at other times it is more noticeable.

Most important is that by mid afternoon on Monday I felt like myself again. I can best describe it at this time as a “Yahoo!” realization – as if the heavy fog that has been present for several days in my body and brain has just lifted and I can fully feel and think again. Happy songs about shouting, singing, and dancing run through my mind when I realize the fog has lifted!

Of course the first thing I did when the fog lifted was to have April and the kids come over (Bret was working overtime at the lake). The picture above was taken Monday evening.

Sometimes the fog lifting coincides with a return of my taste buds and appetite; the results have been frantic food cravings or the realization of how wonderful a particular food can taste. On Monday – it was that food tasted good period. I am unable to recall the exact comment April made but it was a remark about the quantity of food I was eating. Yum…the cookies were very tasty; the roast beef was delicious; the tomatoes were full of flavor; the ranch dressing was wonderful; even the carrots I shredded for the salad were delectable! I’m pretty sure I nibbled and ate my way through the evening.

I am so easily pleased – family, friends and food or sometimes is it food, family and friends? Either way they simply go together for me. Hmmm, maybe I should consider a career change and do something with food. Too bad I could not earn a living cooking for family and friends – oh yes, I need to have a good health benefits package also. I have heard that an employee is eligible for health benefits at Starbucks when working twenty hours a week. I may have to consider Starbucks as my next employer.

Actually, if I found the genie in the bottle and was granted three wishes I would wish for enough money to open my own place - a cozy hangout to enjoy good food, music, friends and family. An extensive coffee selection, homemade soup and killer desserts would be some of the daily menu items. (It could be big enough for the Homeless Collaborative to meet there – I really miss brainstorming and working with all of you.)

Then I would wish for enough money to go on two cruises a year – “enough money” means enough to pay for Randy and I and also our cruising buddies because it would not be as much fun without them. Oh yeah, and air fare to get to the departure point, cabins with balconies, and of course we would only cruise with Holland America.

For my third wish – well I think I need to do some serious thinking about that one before I decide what it would be.

I could wish for world peace; wouldn’t it be great to watch the evening news and it only contained stories of people all over the world who acted upon God’s greatest commandments – Matthew 22:37-39?

Or I could wish for the cure for cancer – wait, make that a vaccination for cancer so that it is only a past icky thing suffered like polio or small pox.

I could wish that every person would truly know their value and would have the opportunity to live a full life and contribute greatly to their community. Ah, if the genie allowed run on sentences/wishes I bet I could work this one into the world peace wish.

According to 1 Kings God gave Solomon wisdom, great discernment and breadth of heart “like the sand that is on the seashore". I’d probably better read his look back at life (Ecclesiastes) several more times before I decide what the third wish should be. And then I might admit that I really should change wishes one and two also. I think I’ll get something to eat and do some reading….. What would your three wishes be?

Cycle # 5: Days 1 - 3

2006-08-05T07:20:00.000-07:00

I must have had a lot of steriods leftover in my system on Thursday, day one, because I had insomina but I felt great and had tons of energy; I enjoyed the day.

Yesterday I woke up with a headache that did not go away until about midnight last night. Tylenol, Vicodin, and Ibuprofin throughout the day eased the pain but did not take it away nor the upper body aches that started later in the morning. It was an icky day.

Fortunately the headache is still gone this morning. The upper body aches are now joined by lower body aches. I don't like this but I think it is better than having a headache that will not go away.

Maybe I will get lucky and this will be the last icky day of this cycle.

I am on the other side of this finally - I only have three more infusions to go. I can do this.

Thanks for checking in on me, I will write more later.