Cycle 6: Days 9 - 15 / The Twelve Days of Cycle Six

On Tuesday morning, the 13th day of this cycle, I woke with that “Yahoo!” feeling. My energy was back and I have felt very good every day since.

With this Taxol cycle I had one good day following the infusion followed by several days of feeling like I had the flu and then immediately the fatigue began. For twelve days straight I did not have my energy and I was not prepared for this. I wrote on day eight that I was back to my normal self again. As it turns out I really was not, I only momentarily felt like myself and for the next several days I repeatedly would feel like I was ok only to realize that I really was not. Cycle 6 was not the most physically challenging however, mentally it may turn out to be my most challenging cycle.

A few months ago my friend Kelly, who daily faces her own physical challenges, gave me two books by Cooper Edens; If You’re Afraid of the Dark, Remember the Night Rainbow and If You’re Afraid of the Dark, Add One More Star to the Night (the emphasis is mine). These books pose whimsical problems of life and fanciful solutions which are also illustrated by the author.

Written inside one of the books is Kelly’s encouragement for me to remember a solution presented in one of the books, If you can’t find your marbles … enlarge the game. Well, at some point during the Twelve Days of Cycle Six I forgot that I even had any marbles. That’s how life is sometimes … I think I've got a handle on it and I stop being so cautious - then I get my feet knocked out from under me. To make matters worse, this time I forgot how to get up after being knocked down or to even ask for help in getting up.

Shortly after receiving Kelly's gift I purchased a bag of marbles and placed them in a jar with a few marbles that I already had. In addition, I shared some of my marbles with Kelly – just in case I lost mine and needed to borrow some from her. Of course I hope you know that marbles are simply a representation - a reminder of what I have learned and added to my life’s defensive game plan.

The apostle Paul wrote of this struggle, “For that which I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.” There is a lot of comfort in chapters 7 and 8 in the book of Romans – I think I will add frequent reading of these chapters as one of my marbles.

This week I moved my jar of marbles to a more prominent place. And, I certainly have added a new request to God that he help me to remember during the tough times.

I may create a large sign to hang as a further reminder; if I do it will read, "Jan, Do You Know Where Your Marbles Are?”