First of all I want every woman reading this to know how important self-examinations are. In October 2005 I had a complete physical including a mammogram; everything checked out fine. Through self-examination I found my lump on March 15th demonstrating how important regular self-examination is.
I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma; the most common form of breast cancer. My cancer cells were Grade 3; they looked the least like a normal cell - this is an agressive cancer cell. My tumor was 1.8 x 1.5 x 2 cm; slightly less than one inch, however already fourteen lymph nodes were involved. I am HER-2/neu positive which means that my HER-2 gene is overexpressing; this is usually associated with metastic cancer, it is aggressive. At this point I was considered to be at Stage IIIC cancer, only one step away from the final stage. I had CAT and Bone Scans performed to determine if the cancer had spread to other others of my body and if so I would move to Stage IV.
I really had no logical reason to believe that my cancer had not spread; all of my test results had shown that although my tumor was small and found early, I had an aggressive form of cancer.
Nevertheless, I continously asked God for positive CAT and Bone Scan results and many others were also asking this of God on my behalf. I kept thinking of the parable of the widow in Luke chapter 18; she continually kept up her petition. Luke tells us that Jesus told this parable to show that at all times we ought to pray and not to lose heart.
At the same time however I was preparing myself to receive more bad news from the CAT and Bone Scans. I had times of despair and I was afraid. Most of the time I was more afraid of what I would have to go through to live - would I need more surgeries, more extensive treatments? How much time would that take away from my grandchildren, how many more Friday nights before they could spend the night again, would they ever be able to spend the night with me again? How could I leave my daughter, who although she is 27 years old I still am not done raising her? And what about my husband, my father, my special brother Glennis who counts on my Saturday morning phone calls to him? These are the people who count on me, how could I not be here for them? That was the scary part for me.
Solomon says that there is a time for everything, including a time for each of us to die. For the one who loves the Lord, death is not something to be feared but rather to be looked forward to. To fully be in the presence of the giver of life and all good things. To be able to be with the one who teaches us what true love really is. Death is not an ending but rather a beginning without end.
I truly was conflicted. Above all however, I have been grateful to God for giving me this experience because of two invaluable lessons I have learned - I have learned to tremble and not sin, to lie still and trust in the Lord and I have learned that I have the treasure of today.
On May 10th, the day of my first scheduled chemo treatment I knew I would learn of the CAT and Bone Scan results. My logical brain prepared me for the worst; my positive nature helped me to prepare a response such as, "Well it's in only X # of organs vs this X # of organs, that's good news."
God however prepared my soul, for that morning I woke up with a song in my heart, "This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad." He reminded me that I have today.
My husband tells me that when Dr. Risbud said my scans were clear my response was, "are you kidding me?". I guess he could see that those results were far from what I expected because he proceeded to show Randy and I the reports and each film.
That day I had much to rejoice and be glad about. I breezed through the chemo treatment without much discomfort. The discomfort came later and it was tough but the anti nausea medications have been changed and I am now doing well.
Like the Isrealites who saw God perform great miracles for them - literally saving their lives time and time again; I risk forgetting that God has spared my life for a little while.
As I go through the journey of taking chemo treatments to rid my body of the microscopic cancer cells that are undoubtably present; of taking medication to stop my HER-2 cells from overexpressing and at the same time hoping the medication will not damage my heart muscle; and as I go through the remainder of my life however long or short that might be and whatever new trials may come, I will consider myself fortunate and blessed by God.
Because each of these struggles will help me to remember that, "This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad."
Prior to cancer my life had been filled with mostly blessings and very few trials and I neglected to rejoice in each day. It is true, when troubles are near we draw nearer to God. Until I learn to more fully rejoice in each day, may God keep my troubles ever present before me.
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